Death Connects Us To Life
Growing up with monastic teachings around the impermanence of life, I got the opportunity to apply them when my grandmother passed on, followed by my grandfather in quick succession. I told myself that it was only the body that had died. Their souls were eternal and therefore, there was nothing to grieve for.
Only years later would I realize that I had short-circuited my feelings of love toward my grandparents. That I had to allow those feelings to find their expression in an authentic way. By not giving myself that space, I had numbed myself to my own feelings.
It would take many years of heavy lifting for me to realize that death connects us to life. Our own life. It is an opportunity not just to remember the impermanence of our lives and reflect on our purpose of living. It is also an opportunity to feel the well-spring of love and gratitude in its fullness through the process of grieving.
Perhaps it is for this reason that ancient cultures prescribed a cessation of normal work for a period of time that was proportional to the depth of our relationship with the departed one. In this time, we would receive the full support of our communities in creating a space where we could safely connect to the fullness of our feelings. We were thus allowed an opportunity to get to true acceptance, and not just intellectual acceptance of the transition of our loved one.
A sign of the kind of acceptance we have arrived at is whether we are feeling wholeness or fragmentation by the loss. Wholeness comes from true acceptance of every feeling that emerges within us in relation to the one who is no longer with us. Fragmentation is what results when we are afraid to feel the sadness that has resulted from the departure. Fragmentation traps us into searching for that love in every space except where it can be truly found -- in our own hearts.
Wholeness, on the other hand, allows us to absorb the essence of the love we felt for the departed one and make it a permanent part of our being. That absorption frees us from fearing our feelings and roots us in joy and gratitude for having been touched, however briefly, by another life.
by Somik Raha.
SEED QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION: How do you relate to the notion of grieving as creating a space for safely connecting to one's feelings? Can you share a story of a time you found wholeness and joy by grieving fully and authentically? What helps you not be wrecked by grief while fully accepting your feelings?
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18 Past Reflections
On Aug 1, 2021 Lucy Rodriguez wrote :
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On Jul 31, 2021 Stacy Kurokawa wrote :
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On May 17, 2018 Somik Raha wrote :
After attending the circle at Santa Clara on this topic last night, I came away with a feeling of wonder. What if the circle is actually its own entity? We may be listening to each member of the circle when they share with words or stillness, but what if we are really listening to the circle? The circle felt beautifully complete, with deep sharings, exploration of edges, and counterpoints. If the circle were a person, that would be one heck of a wise person! And how beautiful that one cannot listen to a circle without also deeply listening to the individual. And how doubly beautiful that this circle can only emerge as a result of a process, and can never be replicated in the same way again!
Reading the comments here, I feel that our circle wasn't limited to just one physical space - every one of the commenters here are part of a bigger circle, and we are literally dotting the circle that is the shape of our planet. Thank you for making this possible.
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On May 17, 2018 Barbara Jean Yankee wrote :
Thank you for sharing this wisdom. It states it so well - when we short cut our grieving, we short cut life.
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On May 15, 2018 Always wrote :
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On May 15, 2018 Shivani wrote :
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On May 15, 2018 Maretta Jeuland wrote :
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On May 15, 2018 Deepak wrote :
My mother is suffering from dementia and she is at the last stage of the didease . She cannot recognize anyone even her own children and is totally bedridden . The doctors have given up . She is totally silent , however her eyes reflect her pain ans suffering she is going through . There is total acxceptance of her condition and a silent prayer to God to ease her suffering by letting her move on to the next phase of her journey . . The emptyness within is there , however would like she passes away peacefully with her suffering cut short .
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On May 15, 2018 Kaylyn wrote :
I appreciate the authors reflections as the respondents. I work in Hospice and enjoy reading different reflections of death and dying.
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On May 15, 2018 Po wrote :
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On May 14, 2018 Joao Perre Viana wrote :
Thank you Samik! I have been mourning for 10 years the death of a loved one and your words helped me to understand that it is time to enjoy wholeness and the joy of all the love I received from my Mom.
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On May 14, 2018 Jean Yao wrote :
Dear Somik, Just the day before, I lost a dear friend of mine from Ireland. This piece came to me near and dear. With enormous gratitude. Jean
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On May 13, 2018 sheetal wrote :
Thank you for the passage. This was need of the hour. We witnessed a very celebrated death of my mother in law very recently. She was diagnosed of sudden cancer and she decided no to treatment. She said we would do prayer circles at home and she would love to meet her loved ones. In a month's time she passed away, the whole month we celebrated each and every day. There was so much joy. And when we would discuss death with her and say "Mom we will miss you" she would reply saying " you are still attached to the body"!!. We cried and laughed together before she passed away. No mourning after that. We lived each feeling fully with her. I think that's what taught us to deal with her passing away with ease. We learnt that no death is "untimely" since we think linear we feel that way but its nature's way, we are all sitting with boarding pass, not knowing when the flight will take off.
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On May 11, 2018 Jagdish P Dave wrote :
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