Disturb Me, Please!
In graduate school, I had one professor who encouraged us to notice what surprised or disturbed us. If we were surprised by some statement, it indicated we were assuming that something else was true. If we were disturbed by a comment, it indicated we held a belief contrary to that. Noticing what disturbs me has been an incredibly useful lens into my interior, deeply held beliefs. When I'm shocked at another's position, I have the opportunity to see my own position in greater clarity. When I hear myself saying "How could anyone believe something like that?!" a doorway has opened for me to see what I believe. These moments of true disturbance are great gifts. In making my beliefs visible, they allow me to consciously choose them again, or change them.
What if we were to be together and listen to each other's comments with a willingness to expose rather than to confirm our own beliefs and opinions? What if we were to willingly listen to one another with the awareness that we each see the world in unique ways? And with the expectation that I could learn something new if I listen for the differences rather than the similarities?
We have this opportunity many times in a day, everyday. What might we see, what might we learn, what might we create together, if we become this kind of listener, one who enjoys the differences and welcomes in disturbance? I know we would be delightfully startled by how much difference there is. And then we would be wonderfully comforted by how much closer we became, because every time we listen well, we move towards each other. From our new thoughts and our new companions, we would all become wiser.
It would be more fruitful to explore this strange and puzzling world if we were together. It would also be far less frightening and lonely. We would be together, brought together by our differences rather than separated by them. When we are willing to be disturbed by newness rather than clinging to our certainty, when we are willing to truly listen to someone who sees the world differently, then wonderful things happen. We learn that we don't have to agree with each other in order to explore together. There is no need to be joined together at the head, as long as we are joined together at the heart.
- By Margaret Wheatley
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48 Past Reflections
On Sep 25, 2024 YiLin Niu wrote :
Yes, listening to others is a good habit. There will always be differences between us, such as differences in habits, ideas, and thinking abilities. But that doesn't mean who's good or bad. We ask for common ground while reserving differences, and while accepting what we have in common with each other, we also need to find ways to live together in our previous different places. So that we can better move forward
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On Aug 21, 2024 Seungwoo Han (Joel) wrote :
A good listener should take own time to silence one's subconscious thoughts, ideology, ego and let the ears open to take a process of forming a understanding, sympathetic open-mind which would deter the resistance from unfamiliar opinions. Amidst the receptive mind comes a better relationship between people, and within the society which is a giant cesspool of various and distinct cultures or ideas. As we are people who live in a society which requires certain teamwork to roll with it. A stubborn and selfish man sure does have a low possibility to blend in with harmony among others in it. It is better to be with others than be one. Take time to accept others and the difference amongst others, and you won't be left to fear alone.
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On Jan 21, 2024 Anh Minh Pham (Matthew Pham) wrote :
From my perspective, to give up insisting on our own egos and beliefs is one of the most difficult thing. We need to open my mind, listen to other contributing ideas,... all of these things just to cultivate our humble mindset. So, what is the benefits of having a humble mindset? First of all, when you are a good active listener (one part of having a humble mindset), obviously, it can enhance our interpersonal communication skills and can become valuable asset in both our personal and studying (or work) relationships. Moreover, your ego and independence from teamwork is what prevents you from hearing critical but necessary feedbacks about your weakness from others. Considering this story, there is a really good surgeon, he and his team did a lot of successful operations, however, in an special occasion for celebrating his promotion in hospital, he assumed that "My assistant team did not help me anything, they just follow my instructions and commands, without me they can't do any thing.... [View Full Comment]
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On Jan 14, 2024 Lisa Nguyen wrote :
Someone who is sympathetic, open-minded, and inquisitive about other viewpoints is a good listener. They embrace variety of opinion, are open to being challenged by new ideas, and foster an environment where people feel heard and understood despite holding different opinions. Effective listeners look for opportunities to learn from differences, appreciating that accepting a range of opinions may lead to both personal development and a broader understanding of the world.
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On Jan 14, 2024 Dhiab Vaheedudheen wrote :
Being very open minded to listen different and conflicting opinions will certainly help us. It will not only help us to understand others but ourselves too. We might have had subconscious beliefs that even we were not aware of. These kind of diverse discussions will help expose them and will help us reassess them. We will be able to ask whether those opinions and beliefs were made by thinking logically or not. Seeking discomfort is one of the greatest ways to grow as a person. We shouldn't always stay in our comfort zone. We should be able to withstand discomfort. Only then will we be a strong person mentally and physically. We won't be able to learn a lot while standing in our comfort zone. The amount of knowledge uncomfortable conversations and discussions provide us is immense and shouldn't be overlooked.
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On Jan 14, 2024 Ziteng Wang wrote :
A good listener is open-minded and willing to reveal his or her own beliefs and opinions in conversation rather than seeking confirmation. They can realize that everyone sees the world in a unique way. This awareness allows them to engage in dialogue in a way that appreciates different perspectives. Also want to learn something new by focusing on differences rather than similarities.
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On Jan 11, 2024 yitong liu wrote :
In my opinion, listening to different culture voice are very important, but sometime people may not need accept it. Taking to other culture people will help us know better about what do other world looks like, at first we may find shock but it is interesting to join it. it will let us have different kind friend, to try different food, see different art, those thing can make us life wonderful. But sometime we need choice, it is not everything need we to follow, it may very dangers for us. Like in some culture they allow the drugs, if we don't know anything about this culture, we may try it that will put us in danger. it is good things for us make new friend with different culture people, but it is also important for us to keep mind to protect ourself.
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On Jan 11, 2024 Dongwon Kim wrote :
The point of this article is that if we acknowledge the differences in our thoughts and listen to each other well, we can learn something new. Moreover, to be a good listener, we must enjoy our differences and disturbance. also we must respect other's opinions. I believe that When we discuss something while understanding diversity, we can learn more something.
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On Jan 11, 2024 Zixian Mo wrote :
I think a listener should be open-minded to the diffences because there are many ways to look at the world, you needn't be nervous to it. And maybe we will always feel shocked with other position but our exploration and knowledge of the world is built with shock. It deepens our understanding of the world. That's how we think as a good listener in my opinion. And then,as a good listner to communicate,you be quite or say some friendly questions to let other express their thoughts and positions comfortably.All in all,the ability to appreciate diverse perspectives is the fundation of effective communication and a way to explore the world. we should happy to be disturbed to be a good listener
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On Jan 11, 2024 Jiaxuan Ren wrote :
From my perspectives, I would like to begin with a classic quote by Aristotle:' If you want to be a philosopher, you should have wonder and you should have leisure.' Likewise, becoming a good listener, it is essential to cultivate a sense of wonder and embrace varied opinions that come from others. To be more specific, To be more specific, I find myself challenged by opinions that differ from my own, causing a sense of disturbance Essentially, we hold disparate beliefs. Therefore, when I hear shocked opinions, it is a good chance for me to learn divergent perspectives and the most important thing is that it can effective reflect my deep beliefs. After that, I can make my beliefs visible and choose or even change them. So, I substitute the tendency to confirm my opinions or beliefs with an exploration of plural perspectives, thereby strengthening my connection with others.
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On Jan 11, 2024 Ahrin Ju wrote :
The reason I came to the United States is to experience diversity. Because the United States is a multi-ethnic country and there are so many different people, I think there are more opportunities for learning in the United States. In order to embrace these advantages, I believe that becoming a good listener is an essential attitude for learning.
Q1. What is the attitude of a good listener?
Q1. What is the attitude of a good listener?
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On Jan 10, 2024 Quyen Tran wrote :
In my modest opinion, listening helps us get closer to each other. When we become a good listener, we will understand things around us better and become calmer. Becoming a good listener is a good thing because listening to someone is also as necessary in a normal conversation as in group work. For example, when group members present their opinions, the first thing, we need to listen and then give your own ideas. But we ourselves as humans also need someone who knows how to listen to what we share. We are not only people who know how to listen to others, but we are also people who share differences in opinions. Furthermore, listening and sharing helps us better understand ourselves. However, we cannot always trust what others say because not everything is true. I've only been to Utah for 1 week, and I also need a lot of time to experience and learn about the human culture here. Right now I need to listen to the sharing of people who have had many experiences in America so that I can und... [View Full Comment]
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On Jan 10, 2024 Lucy wrote :
In my opinion, I disagree with this discussion for many reasons.
Everyone will have their unique way of seeing the world and you can not obligate someone to follow your view. But it will cause one situation which is when you listen to someone enough they will feel that is your responsibility and they never hear you. How do you feel when you are in this situation? Tiring? The fundamental communication is listening and sharing. That means everyone needs to listen and speak.
When you are a listener that is not wrong, but you should listen with choosing. When you listen to someone about new knowledge you never knew before, and you can not be certain they are right or not, whether they are good or bad people, you should think and check it. For example, what would happen if someone said that you could drink alcohol when you were 18 years old in the US? You will believe them because you want to gain new knowledge without checking anything. On the other hand, lis... [View Full Comment]
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On Jan 10, 2024 Maria Eduarda Moreira Penna de Carvalho wrote :
In my point of view, being a good listener is more than having the ability to hear. It means means to have an open mind, accepting others cultures, being willing to learn from the others, being patient to the ones talking, avoid being so defensive and aggressive when someones opinions is different, and willing to put yourself to think about the other's perspective. When everyone learns those skills and qualities, the communication will improve, along with the knowledge.
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On Jan 9, 2024 Zhibo Zhang wrote :
I believe that becoming a good listener requires having good patience, being able to detect the inner fluctuations of the listener, being willing to share some privacy issues, learning to respect opinions that differ from oneself, and thinking from the other person's perspective during the listening process
1 reply: Jiaxuan | Post Your Reply
On Aug 28, 2023 Nikita wrote :
To be a good listener you should have a set of qualities. First and foremost, you have to get rid of the ignorance. The moment you realize that it is ok to not know everything and you also do mistakes sometimes life becomes much easier to face. By listening to other options you may increase your outlook and maybe even correct your opinion.
The other thing is being interested in other options. It is not enough just to be ready to hear other people’s ideas if you want to be a good listener. To make people comfortable to talk about their opinions you have to show that you are interested in them and willing to hear them.
The other thing is being interested in other options. It is not enough just to be ready to hear other people’s ideas if you want to be a good listener. To make people comfortable to talk about their opinions you have to show that you are interested in them and willing to hear them.
1 reply: Nawaf | Post Your Reply
On Aug 27, 2023 Zach Zhou wrote :
It is key for us to accept others that are different from our own perceptions— just because we don’t agree doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong. We can learn new things by learning to accept others’ views, or we can improve ourselves by recognizing the differences among people. Respecting other’s points of view even you might not agree with it.
1 reply: Jiaxuan | Post Your Reply
On Aug 27, 2023 Amina wrote :
Advancing in any kind of sphere requires differences in ideas. That is how humans learn and evolve, whether it comes to relationships, politics, math and so on. It's nice to find individuals who you can relate to and share similarities. By any means, it's important to feel included. However, surrounding yourself with people with different experiences and opinions, forces you to reflect within other perspectives. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable as my computer science professor stated.
1 reply: Zach | Post Your Reply
On Aug 27, 2023 Xiang Yan wrote :
The points in the article are undoubtedly nonsense. To listen to others, to understand them, and to communicate in such a way exists only in dreams. There are three classes in society: the basic class, the cadre class, and the leadership class. The leadership class is the one who take care of the whole situation, and in order to make the cadre class follow their orders with absolute loyalty, they never tell their true intentions and thoughts, because they want to make sure that the cadre class will always work hard and remain loyal, which involves a lot of communication skills, but not the ones that are mentioned in the article. The cadre class, caught in the middle, needs their subordinates to fear him and be absolutely obedient, but also has to put up a posture of "I am at your beck and call" in front of their superiors, and their every word needs to be examined, or else the subordinates will not follow his orders and the superiors will not trust him. This leads to the need for peopl... [View Full Comment]
2 replies: Zach, Yitong | Post Your Reply
On Aug 25, 2023 Rattanont Ariyaratrangsee wrote :
I strongly agree with this passage because I also experienced this situation many times. For instance, when we solve math problems, we might get a different solution but still leads us to the same answer. The reason is there are many ways to solve problems. If we exchange each other solutions, it will broaden our minds and allow us to be able to solve problems in new ways which leads to more creativity. Moreover, sometimes, there is no right or wrong. It is just something that suits you or not. For example, someone may like Western food. However, there are many people who prefer Asian food. It's fine if you want to eat Western food for all of your life, but it would be better if you try Asian food sometimes.
2 replies: Xiang, Yitong | Post Your Reply
On Aug 24, 2023 Liying Yan wrote :
To become a good listener:
First of all, a listener must have keen attention and the ability to observe the differences that surprise or disturb us.
Second, a tolerant mentality as well as an open attitude are also crucial for the listener to step out of the comfort zone, make friends widely, and be patient and willing to listen to others’ comments.
Third, I’d like to mention that a good listener will also express his/her opinions after listening, so that the other person will also recognize different viewpoints. This could help them make progress with each other.
However, when the listener expresses his or her opinions, it is definitely not with the idea of changing others’ opinions to exactly the same as the listener’s, but with the intention of expressing the listener’s own differing opinions. Just like what the last paragraph says in the article, it is not necessary to have our opinions perfectly aligned. The key is that people can grow closer through listenin... [View Full Comment]
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On Aug 23, 2023 Xie Tianyi wrote :
The most important thing is learning how to be together with others at a new environment.That will be helpful for us to stay in this environment.And from Margaret Wheatley's opinion, she suggests us to listen to others because everyone is the only one in the world so talking to others will benefit us and help us build a closer relationship.What's more, when we meet new classmates and friends, this way is effective to know each other better and quicker.
In my perspective,I don't agree that people wouldn't feel lonely if they are together with classmates.I believe lonely is an emotion that comes from ones heart, that's no business with others.So it wouldn't help me to reduce my loneness.
In the past one week in Utah,I tied my best to leave my comfortable area, to meet new friends and adapt the new environment.I meet the problems about eating habit, different lifestyle and so on.
Question:If I have a different belief with my friends, should I just listen to it or try to underst... [View Full Comment]
1 reply: Xiang | Post Your Reply
On Aug 23, 2023 Shuaibo wrote :
Disturbing comes from unknowns and differences. Being disturbed proves that something is unknown or different for you. Noticing what disturbs you is like getting close to what you don’t know or notice before. This is a useful skill and it will expand your horizons.
What you believe in cannot disturb you. But what disturb you can help you improve you belief:if that is true, it points out the mistakes of your belief and helps you correct them . If it is false, this show you your belief is right.
What disturb you is important, so listening to others to notice that is also important. We need to try to understand other people’s feelings, views and ideas. So a good listener will be accepted more easily and can learn more from what disturb them.
We also need to have an understanding mind.only keeping an inclusive attitude can help you take advantage of what disturb you.Change your position, find out why others believe in that. This is the key to understand different views.
No... [View Full Comment]
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On Aug 23, 2023 Yuhan Zhong wrote :
We should let go of our ego and accept and understand others. I think this kind of listening can help us break through the stereotypes and prejudices, expand our horizons and knowledge, and also promote interpersonal communication and cooperation.
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On Jan 11, 2023 ZhenweiZhu wrote :
You must intersted in other people's topic and you can talk well
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On Oct 26, 2019 Ibrahim AlZaim wrote :
Thank you for sharing this Margaret. Back in school, I had a smart philosophy teacher. On the first day she came to class, she threw the philosophy book away and said who cares about what's in the book. I am here to challenge your minds, I am simply here to disturb you, to make you angry. As students who were not at all familiar with such an approach we were surprised. It kind of hit us, we started to ask ourselves, is she crazy? what is she supposed to be doing here then? I sat in silence, good silence. I listened to her openheartedly. I was indeed challenged, surprised, and curious. I am extremely grateful for that philosophy class, for I learned about life and the complexity of our thinking far more than what I would have learned from the book.
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On Oct 2, 2019 Liz Pimentel wrote :
Just what my mind needed to reflect and process. Thank you for this timely passage.
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On May 9, 2012 liz wrote :
Yes! reflecting on your own beliefs through the exposure of others is a rewarding process!
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On Nov 11, 2009 taga wrote :
precisely.....knowing that what disturbs us may not always be in a negative context, but rather a way to deeply know more of ourselves.......its a blessing having a listening heart for others.....how much more if you know how to listen to your very self.... :o)
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On Nov 10, 2009 Aisha Rafea wrote :
I loved it. The ability to Listen is an art and knowledge of a pure heart.
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On Oct 31, 2009 Sheeba wrote :
A thoughtfull pssage...very rarely do we admit to things that are not what we learn of ourself but it requires a key learning and observation...
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On Oct 29, 2009 Somik Raha wrote :
I really liked this passage. The last paragraph reminded me of a wise man saying, "Unity, not uniformity!" The idea of Unity in Diversity is a powerful one, and the author is nudging us to recognize that unity. This unity, as she points out, is not at the level of the mind, for we are so divided in our thoughts, opinions and contexts. For lack of a better expression, we call this unity of the heart. Whenever I have not been in this unity, and engaged in a debate or conversation, I find myself disturbed. Why did the other person say this or that? And whenever I've engaged from the foundation of unity, I have felt calm and undisturbed, no matter what is said to me. The quality of such conversations has been entirely different (and much preferred). Yet, it is hard to be in that space. I find the author's technique very helpful - it is an extension of what we do in meditation with our eyes closed. We are continuing the observation process in everyday life situations.
A big part ... [View Full Comment]
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On Oct 29, 2009 susan bradley wrote :
I missed this week and the gathering of like hearted people at the Mehta Family home. This disturbed me, and my usually staid and predictable goings on in life! As is true to Margaret Wheatley's passage though, the difference even in my activitiy this week has caused me to be out of my comfort zone adn recognize the value that the gathering in peaceful repose with 20-60 people and the habitual nature of sitting quietly has in my life.
This morning I've watched the sun rise over the desert in Las Vegas, Nevada. Absolutely beautiful how the soft pink pallet of light reflects on the hills surrounding the city. I thought of Ms. Wheatley's writing and agree that it is our differences that are beautiful, thought provoking, sometimes uncomfortable, for me always attractive and essential to individual and group growth. A friend of mine use to say to me that it is our differences that make us who we are and also keep things interesting!
There ... [View Full Comment]
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On Oct 29, 2009 sesha wrote :
I agree.
I have a few friends who agree not to agrre with whatever the other says. That opens up another view point. No point in having yes women as friends. We wudnt know when we go wrong.Also it is refreshing to hear another way of looking at things.
Sesha
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On Oct 27, 2009 Bill Miller wrote :
Reminds me of a similar observation that I also find this helpful, by psychologist Karl Pribram, and his holographic model for brain functioning. Things are stored in the brain in a manner similar to a holographic pattern (not localized in particular cells). Emotional experience happens (both positive and negative) when something disrupts or doesn't fit the established patterns (e.g. something desirable or aversive happens that you weren't expecting). I guess the message is to not be too attached to your "patterns" :-)
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On Oct 27, 2009 Rajesh wrote :
A very interesting and useful approach to become aware of our conditioning. But it's so hard to pause, be in the space between the stimulus and our response, and listen to ourselves!
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On Oct 27, 2009 Bhavana wrote :
This is short, sweet and absolutely a key -- Mindfulness in action, Remember and offer, use the self-reflective organ in our consciousness, keep on moving up the spiral of evolution -- bless you who found and posted it, and she who wrote it, and That which is inspiring us all.
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On Oct 26, 2009 Rahul wrote :
I agree completely! I often notice myself and others speaking in order to confirm our beliefs, although in the moments where I have listened to others, looking only to expose further their beliefs without imposing my own, I have made steps toward deeper and more meaningful relationships than I have ever had before. I believe this is the "lost art of conversation" that I often hear people mention!