The Capacity for Successful Solitude
The capacity to be alone is the capacity to know enough about yourself and who you are, and be comfortable enough with that. That way, when you are with another person, you’re not trying to make that person into somebody you need them to be in order to buttress a fragile sense of your own self. You can actually turn to a person and see them as another person, and have a real relationship with them.
Now, the person who can’t do that is going to be one of these people who nobody wants to be with, because when you see them coming, you know that they’re going to use you to make themselves feel less terrifyingly alone. Those people are very lonely, because they can’t form relationships. They’re using other people as spare parts.
The capacity to be in a relationship requires the capacity for a genuine solitude. One of the gifts of a successful childhood is that you develop this capacity for successful solitude. And you learn it, paradoxically, by a caretaker being with you, but able to leave you a little bit of space.
I remember walks with my grandmother to Macy’s in Brooklyn. And we were just quiet together. Every once in a while there’d be a word, but we were just side by side in our thoughts, and sharing a thought once in a while, and you knew that there was someone there protecting you as you learned to think your own thoughts. People have many different models of what that was: sitting together sewing or reading or playing or giving a child a bath and letting them have the privacy of their thoughts. These are the moments of childhood where children are not abandoned, but they learn to be alone with. And that capacity means that when they come to other relationships, they can form them successfully. If instead of that, you put them in a baby bouncer that has a slot for an iPad or an iPhone or a laptop, they’re always mirrored in some other outside thing and they’re not brought back to their own self and their own resources and their own mind and their own imagination.
There’s a wonderful idea that you have to learn that the most interesting thing in the environment is your own mind. And if you never learn that, it’s not good.
Excerpted from Sherry Turkle's blog post: Relearning how to talk in the age of Smartphone addiction
SEED QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION: What does successful solitude mean to you? Can you share a personal experience of a time you experienced successful solitude with another person? What has helped you develop the successful solitude muscle?
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10 Past Reflections
On Aug 29, 2018 KendalRocha wrote :
Thanks for sharing this. Being alone and lonely is two different things and those will affect the mentality so much.
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On Mar 9, 2016 Sunil,Bangalore wrote :
Solitude is good for me as it is a 'Dil Ki Baat', Dil Ka Dil Se and Dilaram ( Dil + Ram + Aaram).It connects head,heart and hands with the soul.This brings out a natural smile of happiness and peace while connecting with anybody to create a mutual bond.Every soul is just abundance of purity,power,joy and love.Meditating on the innate,ever present qualities of the soul- the very life force may prove quite helpful to develop our own inner self on a solid sound footing.
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On Mar 8, 2016 flying solo wrote :
1 reply: Charles | Post Your Reply
On Mar 8, 2016 Karen wrote :
If with someone who does not yet understand this concept, they often think something is 'wrong' if you are not interacting or speaking. "No, I am not angry or lost or uncomfortable. No, I do not dislike you. Please understand me." This article sums it up nicely. I wish everyone would read this and understand that not everyone is like they are. Thank you for sharing.
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On Mar 8, 2016 Paashi wrote :
Wondering if the contentment found in solitude comes from complete acceptance of myself and allowing the partial and wholeness to blend together.
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On Mar 7, 2016 Joanna wrote :
I love it. The story, the voice with my mind reconnecting thoughts to my deep needs for stillness and bonding
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On Mar 5, 2016 david doane wrote :
1 reply: Aj | Post Your Reply
On Mar 4, 2016 Sara wrote :
A beautiful reflection! Indigenous cultures have traditionally recognized & cultivated the art of solitude as exists even while immersed in community. An interesting dimension on this concept is the practice, manifesting differently across cultures, of women retreating as needed from usual responsibilities to be in the fold of other women, to rejuvenate and to heal. Some women practice abstention from physical touch for several days per month to acknowledge & honor a sacred, cyclical cleansing of the body-mind. Elders inspire a deepening into ourselves through their simple modeling of successful solitude in whatever form is authentic for them.