Humility

I resonate with this article! I've been in conflict with my sister for over 30 years and we're currently not speaking to each other at my request. My wife has commented that I make the problem all about her and have not taken enough responsibility for my share of it. I've been in years of therapy, men's groups, 12-step work and for the past several years I've had a strong Zen meditation practice. I pride myself on doing my inner work and being self aware, and by comparison I find my sister lacking in self-awareness, so it's been easy for me to point the finger at her as the source of our difficulties. But when I look more carefully I now see my own part in creating them. About 30 years ago when I was still single, visiting my sister and her husband, I went into a long, dark shame spiral. I compared myself to her husband and found myself less worthy, less successful, less self-confident less (fill in the blank) than he. Once this spiral started, it dragged me down ever deeper until I couldn't stop it. In her own subtle ways my sister triggers my shame, making it even more difficult for me to escape the spiral, so I blamed her for the problems we were having. But my disowned shame caused me to act out in dysfunctional ways and ruined my relationship with both my sister and her husband. Now I see that my work is to become more fully aware of my shame cycle and how it has impacted my life over the years. Maybe I'll reach a point where I will thank my sister for making me see this huge shadow that I've been avoiding.

Wow. Mark. Thank you for sharing this. I am the author of this piece and I so appreciate your reflection. I too often find that my most visceral reactions to other people are often related to shame and avoid that discomfort. Your reflection reminds me of a situation I'm currently in that has been brewing for the last year and I can see threads of my own responsibility through what you've shared. Thank you.