The Opponent Relationship Is Not A Contest, by Shannon Lee

What is combat, after all, but an intense relationship? Your opponent attempts to block and counter every strike you throw as well as land strikes of his own, which he will do in direct response to the signals he reads off you. He will also sense your energy, your reaction time, whether you seem confident or unsure, whether you move with experience, whether you hold his gaze, any patterns you have, etc. And while he is relating to you, he is adjusting himself as well. He is adjusting his strategy, his technique, his approach. If you land a strike, then he has to asses how you found an opening in him and vice versa. It's a dance. It's a relationship.

Does it sound familiar? It should, because we are reassessing one another every day, sensing the energy and adjusting accordingly. You show up excited and upbeat for a lunch date with a friend, but when you arrive, you find them flat and morose. If you are aware, you probably downshift a bit. Maybe you ask what's wrong or you try to get them to laugh, but you respond to what you're getting based on what you're sensing. Even when we interact with a total stranger, like the checkout person in a store or the mailman, we notice if someone is rude or pleasant and we respond in turn with either an inward annoyance or a friendly smile. We are in relationship all the time, and our relationships are a reflection of our own inner world.

To learn and to grow, you need relationships. You need that sparring partner to level up your game. Simply put for our purposes here, there is no one better than the person standing before you at any given moment to help you see yourself more clearly. Someone who is there, whether they know it or not and whether you've known it or not, to show you where the pain points are, to show you how to be better and how to shine your light more brightly. Because you are in response to your environment all the time, your environment becomes a reflection of you. So what can you learn about yourself? Where can you discover the cause of your own ignorance? How can you become better from this? But be aware: You want to become better, not better than! The opponent relationship is not a contest.

In her book, "Be Water, My Friend."

Seed Questions for Reflection

How do you relate to the notion of combat as an intense relationship where 'you want to become better, not better than'? Can you share a personal story of a time that the person standing before you helped you see yourself more clearly? What helps you stay open to growing through every relationship?

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15 Past Reflections

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Aug 17, 2022

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Jagdish P. Dave

Aug 9, 2022

We all need relationships to learn and grow. According to my understanding, there are two kinds of relationship: intrapersonal and interpersonal. How do I cultivate my realationship with me and my reationship with others? I mindfully attend to my inner world of thoughts, feelings and emotions and examine them with an open mind which helps me to arise and lift me up and what brings me down. In that way I face myself and learn from myself. The same way I keep my mind and heart open to receive feedback from others. This is the way I learn and grow. When I was participating in an encounter group, I learned about what blocks me from expanding my consciousness. There have been times I when I am blind to my inner world and actions. In the encounter group I saw my own blindness and that helped me to see the light. Open mindedness has been very helpful to me. Awareness what is happening in my mind and heart also helps me. I know this is an ongoing process and that helps me continue grow... View full comment

Patricia Hardy Aug 9, 2022

Examining oneself with an open heart and mind is an act of courage which leads to personal growth. Who among us is perfect, or even wishes to be perfect? Better we should try to be a better "us. " A wise friend once made a statement I have never forgotten..."Comparisons are odious." I think there is a connection regarding becoming the best person we can be...comparing ourselves to no other than our self!!

Pius

Aug 9, 2022

The most powerful revenge is fruitfulness in one's own life, fruitfulness in love, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, and generosity.

Ted T

Aug 9, 2022

The framework of combat (like competition) by definition introduces the principle of "better than"; the measure of success (or not) over another is integral, and our western culture encourages this. Structured combat (and practice for it) is a traditional tool used in the east for developing awareness, but for both eaast and west it seems all too easy for egoic identity to become attached (or even identified) with an adversarial approach to all relationships (which the author does warn of). Human interactions in a spirit of cooperation seem a better fit than those of combat to me...

David Doane Aug 9, 2022

Thanks for your stimulating insights. I believe 'we are one' is integral. If we accepted that, we may eliminate competition, combat, and concern about 'better than'.

Fatima

Aug 8, 2022

There is a young boy who was a gardener at home....this boy was so stubborn so immune to advise that he annoyed me every time I talked to him....until a time I realized that this young man was mirroring the a pain body in me that he was fueling each time there was a confrontation...he only did things that increased my anger....until I realized it was all about me not him...he had his own traumatic wounds and they were similar to my own childhood wounds (traumas).

Shyam

Aug 7, 2022

"We are in relationship all the time, and our relationships are a reflection of our own inner world. ". To learn and to grow, you need relationships. " So aptly said.
Where we falter is when our ego starts telling us you are better than XYZ. You deserve to be treated better. We start viewing the relationship as a combat and start devising ways to prove we are better . We even manipulate just to show ourselves in "better than "ways.
The very relationships which were meant to give us joy , starts giving us stress and result in a never ending struggle.

David Doane

Aug 5, 2022

Relationship and combat are not synonymous. Combat is a specific kind of intense relationship. Combat is fighting. Combat is a battle. I agree that we learn and grow in relationship. In combat, the big picture may sometimes be to become better, but the immediate want of the parties involved is to beat on each other and try to beat each other which may result in learning and growing but likely results in destruction and death. I'm all for relationship and encounter; I'm not for combat and beating. Relating to and encountering the person standing before me typically helps me see myself more clearly -- that's not combat. What helps me stay open to growing through relationship is experience, that is, knowing from experience that I've grown through relationship, and valuing opportunities to grow. Relating to the other and not to expectations or prejudices or some underlying agenda helps me stay open to growing.

Kristin Pedemonti

Aug 5, 2022

I would like to make a small adaptation away from the combat metaphor, to simply 'relationship' is where 'you want to become better, not better than.'

Susan B. Aug 11, 2022

Yes, I agree Kristin!

susan schaller

Aug 5, 2022

I studied and practiced tai chi, which also includes something called "push hands." The focus is listening - with your body, your all, to feel them and their energy. The obvious and immediate insight is that one cannot do that without listening to the same thing within. We cannot know ourselves without others. Opponents are mirrors.