Letting Someone Know They're Not Alone Is No Small Thing
Permitir que alguien sepa que no está sol@ no es poca cosa--por Deborah Hawkins
Hace meses, decidí explorar el voluntariado para una organización de cuidados paliativos.
Mi curiosidad inicial surgió cuando me planteé usar mis talentos para escuchar y poner cosas en palabras. Imaginé poder ayudar a los pacientes con enfermedades terminales a escribir cartas que cristalizaran sentimientos no expresados y les hiciesen tener una especie de paz.
Quería estar al servicio, pero en gran medida estaba motivada por la idea de hacer algo que hago bien. Esto no me pareció correcto. El espíritu de voluntariado exigía que mis esfuerzos fueran PARA las personas a las que quería servir.
Investigué organizaciones de cuidados paliativos. Casi dos meses después de enviar una solicitud, hice mi primer turno.
Entendiendo que la audición es generalmente el último sentido que deja a una persona, preparé algunas listas de reproducción en Spotify que podía reproducir en mi teléfono mientras me sentaba junto a la cama.
Tenía mezclas clásicas y organicé un conjunto maravilloso de melodías gospel, pero eso no es lo que estaba llamada a proporcionar.
El trabajador social del personal me indicó que visitara a Pete, cuya familia vendría más tarde esa mañana. Me dijeron que le gustaba mucho Otis Redding.
Cuando entré en su habitación, me presenté y le pregunté si podía sentarme y visitarlo un rato, aunque sabía que no podía responderme. Me senté junto a su cama y busqué a tientas mi teléfono. No me sentía preparada.
Balbuceé pequeñas apreciaciones en voz alta, como confirmarle que su familia iba a venir pronto y, en mi cabeza, le deseé paz.
Busqué cambios en su comportamiento, tratando de discernir si un pequeño movimiento inconsciente del cuerpo reflejaba angustia y justificaba una llamada a la enfermera, hasta que finalmente localicé "Este es Otis Redding" en la aplicación de mi teléfono.
Tenía los ojos abiertos pero inexpresivos mientras escuchábamos “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay”. Noté que el tiempo entre respiraciones se estaba haciendo más largo, pero sus inhalaciones no eran laboriosas. No estaba agitado. Comenzó la siguiente pista.
Cuando la noche ha llegado
Y la tierra está oscura
Y la luna es la única luz que vemos.
No, no tendré miedo.
No, no tendré miedo.
Siempre y cuando estés a mi lado
Quédate a mi lado.
Puede que hubiese monitores en la estación de enfermería que les avisaron, pero una enfermera y una médico entraron en la habitación. La doctora puso sus manos sobre el hombro del paciente. Pete tomó algunas respiraciones más antes de que la médico revisara sus signos vitales y anunciara la hora de la muerte.
Cuando me senté por primera vez, me preocupaba estar preparada con la banda sonora adecuada y si iba a ser buena observadora y reportera para el personal médico, luego noté que esta preocupación se desvanecía.
No puedo decir que mi presencia en la habitación o escuchar una de sus canciones favoritas marcase la diferencia para él, pero nunca se sabe. Dejé de pensar en mí. Estaba agradecida por la experiencia.
Permitir que alguien sepa que no está sol@ no es poca cosa.
Preguntas semilla para la reflexión: ¿Cómo te relacionas con la noción de que nunca se sabe qué puede marcar la diferencia para alguien? ¿Puedes compartir una historia personal de una vez que le hiciste saber a alguien que no estaba sol@? ¿Qué te ayuda a dejar de pensar en ti mism@?
Deborah Hawkins es escritora, facilitadora de talleres e investigadora.
Deborah Hawkins is a writer, a workshop facilitator, and a researcher.
SEED QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION: How do you relate to the notion that you never know what can make a difference to someone? Can you share a personal story of a time you let someone know they're not alone? What helps you stop thinking about yourself?
Add Your Reflection
24 Past Reflections
On May 27, 2023 Elaine noonan wrote :
I will often times approach someone sitting alone with a smile or a little uplifting conversation. Making others feel included and welcome is such a precious gift to give and receive. The point in my heart is to let them know that they are not alone by exchanging some gesture of kindness. I realize how much this means to me. I see in their eyes they are grateful, and that brings me great joy.
I will sometimes send a text message, make a phone call, write a special poem, or create something uniquely for a person.
Many people live alone, many people have difficulty communicating because of preconceived ideas. I breathe mindfully with all of the teachings from Dr. Jagdish Dave’ and smile. Namaste is the universal touch.
I will sometimes send a text message, make a phone call, write a special poem, or create something uniquely for a person.
Many people live alone, many people have difficulty communicating because of preconceived ideas. I breathe mindfully with all of the teachings from Dr. Jagdish Dave’ and smile. Namaste is the universal touch.
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On May 24, 2023 Abhaya wrote :
A beautiful passage and a bit close to the heart. Apologies for the long post!
For most of my life, I wasn't exposed to the concept of being alone. I am 41 now and well into my early thirties, I never realized that people can be alone or feel lonely. I'm an only child and my parents always let me do things by myself. We are not this typical family where everyone does everything together and so I'm used to doing things by myself or taking my own decisions. I could easily have lunch by myself at school or spend a full day alone even when I was quite young. Even now, I can go and watch a movie alone or have dinner at a quiet place all by myself. However, it is in the last few years that I feel lonely at times.
I have a good friend from work - Tinaz who I met almost 16 years back. She has been sending me a "Good Morning" message almost everyday for the past few years. I am not into sharing daily or regular forwards or greetings but just to acknowledge this sweet ... [View Full Comment]
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On May 24, 2023 Shyam wrote :
I have recently been volunteering at a Hospice, Shanti Avedna. . I go there once a week and sit with them , play with them or just smile at them. During my last six months , many have passed away. I remember , I was very close to one Ramu Sharma , whom I had also gifted a phone . I got a message that he was not well and almost at the end of his life. Sat with him just holding his hand. The hands were almost lifeless and no reaction. Every five to ten minutes I could feel him squeezing my hand, Whether it was my imagination or he was really doing that I don't know. Would have loved to stay more but I was entrusted with the task of contacting his ' so called " family ( he had absolutely no one) . He died the next day.
I don't know what would have made a difference in his life. Gifting him a phone. Almost being his best buddy. Sitting with him and talking with him during my visits. Holding his hand on the last day . But yes , as Deborah says in the passage, I was, and st... [View Full Comment]
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On May 23, 2023 Phyllis wrote :
When I was care giving for my mother in her last few years I quickly learned to spend time with her without bringing my agenda into the day. At first I wanted to schedule our days with everything I thought would bring her joy. In my mind I thought she deserved to experience so much because of her hard & complicated life, I was wrong. She was her happiest when I sat with her simply talking, singing or spending time in nature. Those are the times that brought us both joy & a peace.
1 reply: Amy | Post Your Reply
On May 23, 2023 Om wrote :
I started an online daily Free Class for teaching yoga during the onslaught of Covid-19 mainly to ride over my confinement within the four walls of my flat in Baroda in India in April 2020. This daily class happens every day in the morning and has about 20 -25 participants. One day, a participant called me up to ask if his brother who is hard of hearing and cannot see properly can join the Chair Yoga class. I allowed this 75 year old differently abled person with a lot of skepticism about how can he participate in the yoga asanas and pranayamas that the class practices every day? I kept watching him for a few days. I saw him attempting to do some asanas looking at me and also practicing some breathing exercises. After about a month I talked to him and asked why he wishes to continue even when he cannot do what is expected of him in this class. He told me that he is thankful to the class mainly because he feels associated with all the members of the class and feels very happy when we ... [View Full Comment]
1 reply: Barbara | Post Your Reply
On May 23, 2023 Bette wrote :
I am 89, and I have had more than a few time to say “ I love you, I will miss you, it it is OK to let go.” Being with some one at their end time is such a privilege.
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On May 23, 2023 Patricia wrote :
Dad’s Last Words
I was my father’s caregiver during the last two years of his life. Because of his dementia, he alternated between episodes of confusion and relative mental clarity. At the end of his life, he was in hospice care, but still at home.
On the last evening of his life, he was lying in his bed. I put a cool, wet washcloth on his forehead and said softly, “I right here, Dad.”
“That’s the problem,” he said.
Surprised, I asked him, “Why is that a problem?”
“Because you should not have to be taking care of me.”
He finally said what he had been thinking during our two years together. He was a very proud, self-reliant man, and it must have weighed heavily on him to realize that he needed help.
“Oh, Dad,” I said. “This is why I wanted you to be with us – so that I could be here with you now.”
He never said another word, but a tear ran down his left cheek.
I was my father’s caregiver during the last two years of his life. Because of his dementia, he alternated between episodes of confusion and relative mental clarity. At the end of his life, he was in hospice care, but still at home.
On the last evening of his life, he was lying in his bed. I put a cool, wet washcloth on his forehead and said softly, “I right here, Dad.”
“That’s the problem,” he said.
Surprised, I asked him, “Why is that a problem?”
“Because you should not have to be taking care of me.”
He finally said what he had been thinking during our two years together. He was a very proud, self-reliant man, and it must have weighed heavily on him to realize that he needed help.
“Oh, Dad,” I said. “This is why I wanted you to be with us – so that I could be here with you now.”
He never said another word, but a tear ran down his left cheek.
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On May 21, 2023 Ted wrote :
In this culture, the birth of a baby is celebrated: inviting a new person into this life, but death is so often seen as wrong or bad: the ending of this lifetime as the ultimate defeat and loss. Each is a journey taken alone as an individual self, yet surrounded by those with us at every stage. I could instead put my attention on the inevitable suffering a baby will experience through this physical life, and perhaps the joyful relief of leaving physical suffering behind when it is done, but that that might deny the beauty, joy, growth, and flowering that can take place between birth and death. The opportunity for the freedom of awakening (or re-birth?) ending suffering opens with that flowering in this lifetime, but if that's just another limited concept, ritual, or abstraction it cannot fulfill that promise. To choose spending time and energy with those in transition (of any stage) looks like an expression of that freedom to me.
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On May 20, 2023 Jagdish P Dave wrote :
If and when I relate to somone without preconceived notions and prejudices I get connected with that person easily. I need to keep my mind open to relate to the other person openly. There is freshness and openess in being with that person. My mind needs to be free from my preconceived ideas and notions about that person. This way of relating to the other person keeps our relationship flowing. Empathic listening with non-judgemental attitude is the key to creating and sustaining rich and nurturing relatioship.
We all need to be connected with others empatically and compassionately. Sadly we feel lonely in a crowd with people relating to others as strangres or sometimes as adversial. It is a lonely crowd syndrome. When I came to America in 1959 to study at the University of Chicage. I felt like an alien on the campus. The weather was very cold. I was away from my family. I felt lonely and depressed. There was a Polish student who lived on the second floor. I was on the first floor. ... [View Full Comment]
2 replies: David, Elaine | Post Your Reply
On May 19, 2023 Chelsea wrote :
I became a teacher because I had some teachers that I didn’t think liked me, and I thought I could save my students from that experience by loving every single one of them. Over my 23 years teaching that has remained a priority, and some days I feel like I’m making a positive difference, while on others I am afraid I am unwittingly causing harm. I like the phrase ‘know better, do better’ because it reminds me to just keep trying, but it doesn’t always make me feel better. Wanting to make a positive difference to others is a huge goal that I won’t always achieve, and it takes a certain strength to keep going. I have a student with autism and delayed speech, and a lot of what he needs from me is the space to find his own way, be his own leader, and somehow connect with others at the same time. Yesterday he told me he made a drawing for me that he forgot and would bring to the next class. It was me on a bike, him on a bike, and another friend on a bike. I talked with his Mom a... [View Full Comment]
1 reply: Barbara | Post Your Reply
On May 19, 2023 Francis dacosta wrote :
I am grateful to the Presence that brings to together this chain of events .. someone finding this message, it coming to us from this digital nervous system, my eyes.. all of this helps me remind myself I am never alone. There is a beautiful song by Dylan “every grain of sand” that refers to this sense of being not-alone.
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On May 19, 2023 Kristin Pedemonti wrote :
All we can do is offer kindness, caring, compassion; how these land we may never know. What we can know is no kindness is ever wasted.
Just today I let my mother know she is not alone in aging. She'll turn 80 in December and has been fretting ablit that number. Today I shared a blog post by an 83 year old woman who writes oprnly about being 83 and continuing to do what makes her happy including traveling solo. I shared this so my mom could hear this woman also has arthritis, also has a thyroid issue. My mom visibly relaxed. She felt less alone in her feelings.
What helps me stop thinking of myself are my daily readings from service space, nice news, meditation and focusing on being of service.♡
Just today I let my mother know she is not alone in aging. She'll turn 80 in December and has been fretting ablit that number. Today I shared a blog post by an 83 year old woman who writes oprnly about being 83 and continuing to do what makes her happy including traveling solo. I shared this so my mom could hear this woman also has arthritis, also has a thyroid issue. My mom visibly relaxed. She felt less alone in her feelings.
What helps me stop thinking of myself are my daily readings from service space, nice news, meditation and focusing on being of service.♡
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On May 19, 2023 David Doane wrote :
It is a fact for me that everything makes a difference, and that I never know what difference something will make. My way is to know nothing about the person before we meet, not have any premade plan, not try to get the person to feel or be a certain way. My effort is to listen to the person and to what I am experiencing, and respond from a combination of those two in an open, honesst, respectful way, and hope for the best. I trust the process as it's happening. I think when doing that I'm with the person -- I believe each of us is ultimately alone even when very with someone, which I think is preferable to being only alone. I went to lunch with a guy who began the conversation asking me, "What have you been thinking about lately?" I loved that. I've used that, or asked "What's happening? "or "Where are you at?" And then listen. When I do all this, I'm thinking about myself and the other in a way that feels satisfying to me.
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On May 19, 2023 Barbara wrote :
Oh, goodness, this brought tears to my eyes! I am sure just your presence and allowing him to listen to some favorite tune allowed him to be at peace. Bless you and thank you for the reminder to just be there for others so they don't feel alone, even if they cannot be heard. We can be a calming presence for them.
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On May 19, 2023 Nika wrote :
Myself being someone that strongly believes in taking opportunities to be of service to others-- the statement by the author about the motivation , gave me pause. As I reflect on where my own motivation originates to join service clubs and donate my time as well as money, I realize it's because growing up as an immigrant in the US, I know how much it would have meant to our family and what a difference it would have made. To give of yourself to help another, makes such a tremendous impact. So I ask, does it really matter where the motivation originates? Because the impact is what resonates out into the world.
1 reply: Barbara | Post Your Reply
On May 18, 2023 Nisha wrote :
Not knowing what can make a difference seems useful only when combined with skillful presence.
When my Dad was in intensive care for a week. We were allowed to see him only twice a day for 5 mins each. My brother, in a stroke of genius, rented the hospital room right next to the intensive care room. So everytime we heard that door open for food service, cleaning service or doctors visit, me and my Mom would rush and wave our hands and my Dad started looking out for us and waving back. Initially we must have looked like clowns to the staff but we started waving at all the people in that room and even some staff would smile back or wave back. When Dad was shifted to palliative care, he mentioned this and smiled big. I had no idea it made a difference to him but it filled our hearts to connect so joyfully in a helpless and what seemed like a lonely situation.
When my Dad was in intensive care for a week. We were allowed to see him only twice a day for 5 mins each. My brother, in a stroke of genius, rented the hospital room right next to the intensive care room. So everytime we heard that door open for food service, cleaning service or doctors visit, me and my Mom would rush and wave our hands and my Dad started looking out for us and waving back. Initially we must have looked like clowns to the staff but we started waving at all the people in that room and even some staff would smile back or wave back. When Dad was shifted to palliative care, he mentioned this and smiled big. I had no idea it made a difference to him but it filled our hearts to connect so joyfully in a helpless and what seemed like a lonely situation.