My Misgivings About Advice
Mis recelos sobre los consejos--por Parker Palmer
Mis recelos sobre los consejos comenzaron con mi primera experiencia de depresión clínica hace treinta y cinco años. La gente que intentó apoyarme tenía buenas intenciones. Pero, en su mayor parte, lo que hicieron me dejó sintiéndome más deprimido.
Algunos estaban relacionados con sanar a través de la naturaleza: "¿Por qué no sales y disfrutas del sol y el aire fresco? ¡Todo está floreciendo y hace un día tan hermoso! "Cuando estás deprimido, sabes intelectualmente que ahí fuera hay belleza. Pero no puedes sentir ni siquiera un poco de esa belleza porque tus sentimientos están muertos - y que te recuerden esa brecha es deprimente.
Otros trataron de ayudarme intentando enriquecer mi propia imagen: "¿Por qué tienes tan poca autoestima? Has ayudado a tanta gente. "Pero cuando estás deprimido, la única voz que puedes escuchar es aquella que te dice que eres un fraude sin valor. Esos elogios profundizaron mi depresión haciéndome sentir que había defraudado a otra persona: "Si supiera que soy un gusano, nunca volvería a hablar conmigo".
Pero es así. El alma humana no quiere ser aconsejada, arreglada o salvada. Simplemente quiere ser observada - ser vista, escuchada y acompañada exactamente como es. Cuando hacemos esa reverencia profunda al alma de una persona que sufre, nuestro respeto refuerza los recursos curativos del alma, los únicos recursos que pueden ayudar a quien sufre a superarlo.
Sí, ahí está el problema. Muchos de nosotr@s "ayudantes" estamos tanto o más preocupad@s por ser vist@s como buenos ayudantes, que por cómo estamos sirviendo las necesidades de alma profunda de la persona que necesita ayuda. Testificar y acompañar lleva tiempo y paciencia, que a menudo nos falta - especialmente cuando estamos en presencia de un sufrimiento tan doloroso que apenas podemos soportar estar allí, como si estuviéramos en peligro de contraer una enfermedad contagiosa. Queremos aplicar nuestra "solución", luego cortar y ejecutar, pensando que hemos hecho lo mejor que podemos para "salvar" a la otra persona.
Y sin embargo, tenemos algo mejor: nuestro don del yo en forma de presencia y atención personal, del tipo que invita al alma del otro a aparecer. Como Mary Oliver ha escrito, "Esta es la primera, la más salvaje y la más sabia cosa que conozco: que el alma existe y se construye enteramente por la atención".
Preguntas semilla para la reflexión: ¿Cómo te relacionas con la noción de que el alma humana simplemente quiere que se la vea en lugar de ser asesorada o arreglada? ¿Puedes compartir una historia personal de una época en la que simplemente observaste o te observaron? ¿Qué te ayuda a permanecer arraigad@ a ser testigo ante el sufrimiento intenso?
Excerpted from this blog.
SEED QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION: How do you relate to the notion of the human soul simply wanting to be witnessed as opposed to being advised or fixed? Can you share a personal story of a time you simply witnessed or were witnessed? What helps you stay rooted to being a witness in the face of intense suffering?
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36 Past Reflections
On Oct 28, 2024 Joe Sumekh wrote :
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On Jul 7, 2024 Linnie wrote :
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On Jun 26, 2024 Annette wrote :
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On Jul 22, 2023 Mary Thomson wrote :
I served as a nurse listening, listening and listening - holding space for people to share their pain. I have memories though of times I gave advice (where it felt right) in a way of suggestion and opening for discussion to facilitate holding a space for the families I worked with as a health visitor to find their voices and share.
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On Jul 21, 2023 Jagannatha Das wrote :
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On May 12, 2023 the soul wrote :
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On Apr 10, 2023 Maggy Belanger wrote :
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On Jan 13, 2023 Bonnie Lynch wrote :
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On Nov 8, 2022 Emily wrote :
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On Nov 3, 2022 Ray wrote :
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On Oct 27, 2022 Nora wrote :
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On Oct 11, 2022 Drea wrote :
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On Aug 14, 2022 Richard wrote :
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On Apr 9, 2022 jannick wrote :
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On Mar 7, 2022 Jodi wrote :
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On May 5, 2021 David Ham wrote :
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On May 5, 2021 rick parker wrote :
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On Apr 28, 2021 Shane Zarns wrote :
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On Sep 7, 2020 Bev wrote :
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On Sep 16, 2018 V. Meera wrote :
I agree with everything what is said, as I have two of my relatives going through this right now for 2 years, denying all human interactions, and completely stagnant. It affects both of their loved ones who live their respective household dearly. Are there any concrete steps we could take to help this individual or the family?
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On Jan 27, 2017 Kristin Pedemonti wrote :
This hit hard. As both someone who has often sat in witness of other's depression or pain and as one who is challenged with depression herself. I meant to respond earlier, but this was a challenging week with being sick with a bad cold and being sick about all that is happening in the US with the new President. I can tell you from personal experience that what I want the most is simply to be valued and heard and loved. No one needs to "fix" me, nor can they. I am made the way I am and it is OK. The same goes for me witnessing for others, I cannot, nor should I try to fix anyone. What I can do is simply be present in love and compassion. Seeing someone you love in pain can be quite difficult, and yet, simply being there is enough. Hugs from my heart to all of yours, Kristin
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On Jan 25, 2017 David Clark wrote :
Oh, Mary Oliver, where did you get such beautiful words that help us care about, care for others?
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On Jan 25, 2017 Jagdish P Dave wrote :
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On Jan 25, 2017 daphine mbabazi wrote :
i think this is very true. i have witnessed it with my self. additionally, i my friends have been depressed a number of times; but in most cases, all they want to know is that someone is beside them, doing nothing but simply listening.
it's powerful!
thank you!
1 reply: Stu | Post Your Reply
On Jan 25, 2017 Purvi wrote :
It is so tempting for us to advise our near and dear ones when they are suffering. We want to get them out of it quickly. I also used to give advise to people when they go through such depression/pain but didn't understand why they are not able to get it and come out from it. Gradually, I understood that, they don't want advise, they just want someone to listen to them and understand what they are going through. One can only come out from such suffering or pain if he/she decides to come out from it. As the proverb says 'God also can't help you if you don't help yourself'. So, only thing we can do is 'Be with them, take care of them and actively listen to them'. that will heal the person and they will find their own way to come out from it. And as David said right combination of witnessing and skillful intervention can help them to find answers within themselves!
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On Jan 24, 2017 Mish wrote :
Oftentimes, giving/receiving a hug, is more powerful than words, I have found.
1 reply: Amy | Post Your Reply
On Jan 24, 2017 Jaye wrote :
I happen to be one of those people who others like to bare their souls to...I don't know why but you know what I mean. This has happened to me since forever...even when young. I learned through the years, and there are many, that people really just want you to listen to them. The author of this article is right! I don't ask question; I just give the occasional "hmmmm" or "well" or "ohhhh". Only if they exactly say..."what do you think I should do?" Do I ever attempt to advise. And then nothing too specific...oh, there have been times when someone was in great need but then I would direct them to someone much more qualified to help than I!
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On Jan 24, 2017 Judy Purvis wrote :
I spent a concentrated period of time in therapy with a psychiatrist who was firm about not giving me advice or answers, just the occasional question. It was frustrating--sometimes one just wants answers. But I came to understand that he was giving me a gift: the continual affirmation that I had the answers within me, that only I could know what I needed, and that his careful listening helped me listen to myself. So hard to do, but so affirming at a time when I felt like a mess.
1 reply: Amy | Post Your Reply
On Jan 24, 2017 Sunil,Bangalore wrote :
No advice but only sympathy and empathy with head,heart and soul.
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On Jan 24, 2017 Anantharaman M wrote :
Our gift in the form of personal presence and attention,....... having the patience to allow the person to do anything which he/she is capable of doing, not trying to help, being available, not advising, .....and active listening. A friend highly qualified, 65 years in the social work field, being incapacitated after a fall at the age of 86, shifted to a home for people who cannot look after themselves, with all her complaints, wrote her autobiography over a three year period, which was published by her Alma Mater, which honored her by making her a Hon Professor at the age of 91. Recently passed away aged 93. Was a period of transformation for me.
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On Jan 21, 2017 Amy wrote :
My soul's connection to God! Jesus stayed rooted by aligning his soul with His Father. I think I will do the same. In the end, He is the only One Who really matters. The people in darkness have seen a great Light .... The word of our Lord ....
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On Jan 21, 2017 david doane wrote :
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On Jan 19, 2017 Victoria Fabling wrote :
Yes, I like this. I witnessed a lady ranting in a care home tonight, and I was aware of the beauty and caring of those around her who just let her rant, let her clear her demons (is what it seemed like to me).