Vulnerability is the Path

This act of kindness, back from 2011 is appropriate on this topic, hence sharing:

There is a mentally retarded person who keeps standing near my office from 1-2 months. He is in rugged, torn clothes, v dirty. He has lost his mind and  hence i was a little scared to help him initially.

One day, I saw him searching dustbin and picking out a coke bottle, he was thirsty. I felt sad, disliked the scene and bought him a coke. He looked at me for a moment, a deep stare and then accepted it.

After that I noticed him many times. I realised that he has become childlike, doesnt know what to do, keeps standing here and there making movements or faces like a small kid. Sometimes i choose to ignore him, for several reasons as i visit the place almost every other day, and as he has lost his brain, i dont want any incidence to happen, neither do i want him to ask me for food everyday. There are few colleagues around too.

However, I did oserve him few days and I find him innocent and suffering, I felt one with him. If i dont have money tomorrow or lose my head, people would treat me similarly, how scary. It brings a tear in my eye. He needs someone to take him home, wash him, give him food and a lot of love. He should be fine may be or may be not but he needs someone to take care day on day.

So another day, when i felt bad, i purchased him another coke, he again observed me and accepted it. He acknowledged me by giving a short deep look. I felt so good by his reaction.

Today, when i went for tea my mad friend was roaming around. He has started recognising me and gives me a look as if saying 'this is someone nice' when i pass by him. He went past me 2-3 times and was just playing with his hands. It was little cold today and i thought he needed tea as well. While going back i couldnt stop myself from going and asking him for tea. I dont know which language he understands but surely the language of care, he does. He nodded. I called him and pointed to a spot and asked him to quietly stand there. Like an obeidient child he sat exactly at that point. How innocent and vulnerable. He kept waiting for 2-3 min without any fuss or moving around. I could see the trust he had how wonderful. I have been scared when i can protect myself, atleast try to. He trusts me blindly when he cannot even understand if i cheat or harm him.

I gave him tea and a small snack. He took it and started eating like a kid.

I had come to the tea stall a little disturbed due to some work related tension, i went back feeling calm and peaceful. He gave me respect and trust though he is totally vulnerable. He expressed gratitude in his own way though he cannot even express his own needs. I cry as I write this and think about him and his condition, yet that small moment was so powerful for both of us. He was accepted and cared for as a human being and I was treated like 'God' by this person who people call mad.

What a b'ful communication God has made beyond language, words and mind; just the ability to give and accept love and gratitude.

The author says to feel is to be vulnerable.  I believe that to be is to be vulnerable.  Everything, living and not living, is vulnerable, that is, hurtable, woundable, damageable.  To be human is to not only to be vulnerable but also to feel vulnerable.  In addition to humans, much that is living -- I'm not sure if all that is living -- feels vulnerable.  Spirituality involves becoming more whole, more of who and what I am, and becoming more whole involves being and allowing and  risking vulnerability.  Being closed up and trying to prevent vulnerability gets in the way of my becoming more whole and thus gets in the way of my spirituality.  Much that I have learned about myself has come as a result of being vulnerable.  Some important learnings about myself that came from allowing myself to be vulnerable are that I am more okay, more  powerful, more loveable than I believed.  What helps me to allow myself to engage with vulnerability is knowing that I am vulnerable, knowing that there are growth and spiritual benefits from allowing vulnerability, knowing that to fight vulnerability is to fight life, knowing that being vulnerable helps me to connect with myself and others.

The other day I made a visit to the doctor to get a referral for something minor, and when I mentioned some other more "serious" symptoms of dizziness and confusion that I had experienced about a month prior, she started suggesting a vigorous work up -- blood test, this test, that test. I walked out of there feeling overwhelmed by the possibility of going through all these tests, and walked to my car feeling very alone. I cried for a few minutes while sitting in my car, just being with the pure emotion of this feeling alone. Staying close to the raw emotion, I noticed these mind movements of defensiveness that, if followed, could have created some disruption to just experiencing the vulnerability of this feeling alone. For instance, my mind wanted to interrupt with examples and proof of how I *am* alone (which could've easily led me down a road of suffering), and even it's opposite -- examples and proof that I'm *not* alone (pushing away the feeling / talking myself out of it). I also noticed the tendency to want to hold back the tears ("staying strong"). By not following any of these tendencies, and just letting myself be completely vulnerable and present to this emotion of feeling alone, I noticed that the feeling passed after just a few minutes. It felt like something got cleaned out, that I was a little more free and present than before. And I moved on with my day.

Though I haven't decided whether I'll get all these tests, I received a big gift by visiting this doctor the other day.