My Misgivings About Advice
સલાહો બાબતે મારી દહેશત- પાર્કર પાલમર
શિખામણ પ્રત્યનો મારો અણગમો મારા ૩૫ વર્ષ પહેલા ના અનુભવ થી શરુ થયો. જે લોકો મને ટેકો આપવા માંગતા હતા તેમનો ઈરાદો સારો હતો. પરંતુ મોટા ભાગે તેઓ મને વધારે હતાશા માં ધકેલતા ગયા.
અમુક લોકોએ પ્રકૃતિ સાથે રેહવાની શીખ આપી. તમે બહારના સૂર્ય પ્રકાશ અને ખુલી હવાને કેમ માણતા નથી ? પ્રકૃતિ ખીલી રહી છે અંદ ખુબજ સુંદર દિવસ છે. તમે જયારે ડીપ્રેશનમાં હો ત્યારે તમારી બુદ્ધિ જાણતી હોય છે કે બહાર સુંદર દિવસ છે. પરુંતુ તમે તેને અનુભવી નથી શકતા. કારણકે તમારી લાગણીઓ મારી ગઈ હોય છે.
બીજા લોકો ખુશામત કરી તમાંરી છબી ને સુધારવાનો પ્રયત્ન કરશે. તમે અત્યારે આટલા નિરાશ કેમ છો ? તમે તો ખુદ ઘણા લોકો ને મદદ કરી છે. પરંતુ તમે જયારે હતાશામાં હોવ છો ત્યારે તમને એકજ અવાજ સંભળાય છે જે કહે છે કે તમે એક નકામો અને કપટી માણસ છો. આ બધી વાતો મને વધારે હતાશામાં ધકેલી દેતી હતી અને મને લાગતું કે મેં વધારે એક વ્યક્તિને છેતરી છે. જો તેને ખબર હોત કે હકીકતમાં હું કેવી વ્યક્તિ છું તો તે મારી સાથે ક્યારેય ફરીથી વાત ના કરે.
અહી એક ઉપાય છે: એક માનવ આત્માને કોઈ શિખામણ કે બચાવવાની જરૂર નથી હોતી. એ તો ફકત એવું ઇછેછે કે તેને શાક્ષી ભાવે જોવાય. તે જેવો છે તેવો તેને જોવામાં આવે, સંભાળવામાં આવે અને તેનો સાથ દેવામાં આવે. જયારે આપણે આ પ્રમાણે, પીડિત વ્યક્તિ ને માન આપીએ ત્યારે આવી વ્યક્તિ ની સુધારવાની /રુઝાવાની શક્તિ ને ફરીથી જાગૃત કરીએ છીએ જે એક માત્ર શક્તિ છે જે પીડિત વ્યક્તિને આવી પરિસ્થિતિ માંથી બહાર નીકળવાની શક્તિ પૂરી પડે છે.
અહીજ મુશ્કેલી રહેલી છે. અનાયાસે જે લોકો મદદગારી છે તેઓ મદદ કરવા કરતા તે લોકો બહુજ સારા મદદગારી છે તેવું સાબિત કરવા માંગતા હોય છે. સાક્ષી અને સાથી થવા માટે સમય અંદ ધીરજ હોવી જરૂરી છે જે આપણામાં ઓછી હોય છે. ખાસ કરીને પીડિત વ્યક્તિ સાથે જુજ જ ઉભા રહી શકીએ છીએ. જાણે એ એક ચેપી રોગ હોય અને આપણને પણ તે રોગ લાગુ પડી જશે તેવા ડર થી આપને તેને જેટલું જલ્દી બની શકે તેટલું જલ્દી તેને પીડા માંથી બહાર કાઢી ત્યાંથી ભાગી જવા ઇચ્છતા હોઈએ છીએ. અને એવું લગાડતા હોઈએ છીએ જાણે આપને આપણા સારા માં સારા પ્રયત્ન કાર્ય હોય તેને મદદ કરવા માટે.
આ બધાની વચ્ચે આપની પાસે આનાથી સારી વસ્તુ છે: જાત ની ભેટ. આપણી હાજરી અને તેનું સતત ધ્યાન. જેમ મેરી ઓલીવરે લખ્યું છે: “ સૌથી પેહલી, મૂળભૂત અને શાણપણ ની વાત હોય તો એ છે : આત્મા નું અસ્તિત્વ અને જેને આપને સભાનતા, ચૈતન્ય અને જાગરૂકતા પણ કહી શકીએ.
મનન ના પ્રશ્નો:
૧. મનુષ્યના આત્માની કેવળ સક્ષીભાવ ની ભાવના અને તવી સામે સલાહ અને સબ સલામત ની ભાવના તમે કઈ રીતે આકડો છો?
૨. તમારી સ્વાનુભવ માં આવેલી કોઈ વાત જેમાં તમે સાક્ષી અથવા સક્ષીભાવ નો અનુભવ કર્યો હોઈ?
૩. આત્યંતિક દુઃખ ની છાયા સામે કઈ વસ્તુ તમને સાક્ષી ભાવ રાખવા માં મદદ કરે છે?
Excerpted from this blog.
SEED QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION: How do you relate to the notion of the human soul simply wanting to be witnessed as opposed to being advised or fixed? Can you share a personal story of a time you simply witnessed or were witnessed? What helps you stay rooted to being a witness in the face of intense suffering?
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34 Past Reflections
On Jun 26, 2024 Annette wrote :
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On Jul 22, 2023 Mary Thomson wrote :
I served as a nurse listening, listening and listening - holding space for people to share their pain. I have memories though of times I gave advice (where it felt right) in a way of suggestion and opening for discussion to facilitate holding a space for the families I worked with as a health visitor to find their voices and share.
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On Jul 21, 2023 Jagannatha Das wrote :
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On May 12, 2023 the soul wrote :
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On Apr 10, 2023 Maggy Belanger wrote :
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On Jan 13, 2023 Bonnie Lynch wrote :
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On Nov 8, 2022 Emily wrote :
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On Nov 3, 2022 Ray wrote :
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On Oct 27, 2022 Nora wrote :
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On Oct 11, 2022 Drea wrote :
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On Aug 14, 2022 Richard wrote :
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On Apr 9, 2022 jannick wrote :
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On Mar 7, 2022 Jodi wrote :
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On May 5, 2021 David Ham wrote :
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On May 5, 2021 rick parker wrote :
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On Apr 28, 2021 Shane Zarns wrote :
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On Sep 7, 2020 Bev wrote :
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On Sep 16, 2018 V. Meera wrote :
I agree with everything what is said, as I have two of my relatives going through this right now for 2 years, denying all human interactions, and completely stagnant. It affects both of their loved ones who live their respective household dearly. Are there any concrete steps we could take to help this individual or the family?
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On Jan 27, 2017 Kristin Pedemonti wrote :
This hit hard. As both someone who has often sat in witness of other's depression or pain and as one who is challenged with depression herself. I meant to respond earlier, but this was a challenging week with being sick with a bad cold and being sick about all that is happening in the US with the new President. I can tell you from personal experience that what I want the most is simply to be valued and heard and loved. No one needs to "fix" me, nor can they. I am made the way I am and it is OK. The same goes for me witnessing for others, I cannot, nor should I try to fix anyone. What I can do is simply be present in love and compassion. Seeing someone you love in pain can be quite difficult, and yet, simply being there is enough. Hugs from my heart to all of yours, Kristin
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On Jan 25, 2017 David Clark wrote :
Oh, Mary Oliver, where did you get such beautiful words that help us care about, care for others?
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On Jan 25, 2017 Jagdish P Dave wrote :
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On Jan 25, 2017 daphine mbabazi wrote :
i think this is very true. i have witnessed it with my self. additionally, i my friends have been depressed a number of times; but in most cases, all they want to know is that someone is beside them, doing nothing but simply listening.
it's powerful!
thank you!
1 reply: Stu | Post Your Reply
On Jan 25, 2017 Purvi wrote :
It is so tempting for us to advise our near and dear ones when they are suffering. We want to get them out of it quickly. I also used to give advise to people when they go through such depression/pain but didn't understand why they are not able to get it and come out from it. Gradually, I understood that, they don't want advise, they just want someone to listen to them and understand what they are going through. One can only come out from such suffering or pain if he/she decides to come out from it. As the proverb says 'God also can't help you if you don't help yourself'. So, only thing we can do is 'Be with them, take care of them and actively listen to them'. that will heal the person and they will find their own way to come out from it. And as David said right combination of witnessing and skillful intervention can help them to find answers within themselves!
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On Jan 24, 2017 Mish wrote :
Oftentimes, giving/receiving a hug, is more powerful than words, I have found.
1 reply: Amy | Post Your Reply
On Jan 24, 2017 Jaye wrote :
I happen to be one of those people who others like to bare their souls to...I don't know why but you know what I mean. This has happened to me since forever...even when young. I learned through the years, and there are many, that people really just want you to listen to them. The author of this article is right! I don't ask question; I just give the occasional "hmmmm" or "well" or "ohhhh". Only if they exactly say..."what do you think I should do?" Do I ever attempt to advise. And then nothing too specific...oh, there have been times when someone was in great need but then I would direct them to someone much more qualified to help than I!
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On Jan 24, 2017 Judy Purvis wrote :
I spent a concentrated period of time in therapy with a psychiatrist who was firm about not giving me advice or answers, just the occasional question. It was frustrating--sometimes one just wants answers. But I came to understand that he was giving me a gift: the continual affirmation that I had the answers within me, that only I could know what I needed, and that his careful listening helped me listen to myself. So hard to do, but so affirming at a time when I felt like a mess.
1 reply: Amy | Post Your Reply
On Jan 24, 2017 Sunil,Bangalore wrote :
No advice but only sympathy and empathy with head,heart and soul.
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On Jan 24, 2017 Anantharaman M wrote :
Our gift in the form of personal presence and attention,....... having the patience to allow the person to do anything which he/she is capable of doing, not trying to help, being available, not advising, .....and active listening. A friend highly qualified, 65 years in the social work field, being incapacitated after a fall at the age of 86, shifted to a home for people who cannot look after themselves, with all her complaints, wrote her autobiography over a three year period, which was published by her Alma Mater, which honored her by making her a Hon Professor at the age of 91. Recently passed away aged 93. Was a period of transformation for me.
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On Jan 21, 2017 Amy wrote :
My soul's connection to God! Jesus stayed rooted by aligning his soul with His Father. I think I will do the same. In the end, He is the only One Who really matters. The people in darkness have seen a great Light .... The word of our Lord ....
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On Jan 21, 2017 david doane wrote :
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On Jan 19, 2017 Victoria Fabling wrote :
Yes, I like this. I witnessed a lady ranting in a care home tonight, and I was aware of the beauty and caring of those around her who just let her rant, let her clear her demons (is what it seemed like to me).