Don't Side With Yourself
Through mindfulness, our hearts become spacious enough to hold the painful emotions, to feel the suffering of them, and to let them go. But it takes practice—and perhaps several different practices—to open to the difficult emotions that we’re aware of and to illuminate those that are hidden.
There are some particular difficulties and challenges in being with difficult emotions. We often live in denial. It’s not always easy to open to our shadow side. And even when we are aware, we can get caught in justifying these feelings to ourselves: “I should hate these people—look at what they did.” From justifying these feelings of hatred and enmity (which is quite different than being mindful of them), there can come a strong feeling of self-righteousness. We forget that the feelings and emotions we have are all conditioned responses, arising out of the particular conditions of our lives. Other people in the same situation might feel very different things. Although at times it may be hard to believe, our feelings are not necessarily the reflection of some ultimate truth. As Bankei, the great 17th-century Zen master reminded us: “Don’t side with yourself.”
Self-righteousness about our feelings and view is the shadow side of commitment. We sometimes confuse this self-justification with the feeling of passionate dedication. But great exemplars of compassion and social justice illuminate the difference.
It is not a question of whether unwholesome mind states will arise in us—or in the world around us. Feelings of hatred, enmity, fear, self-righteousness, greed, envy, and jealousy all do arise at different times. Our challenge is to see them all with mindfulness, understanding that these states themselves are the cause of suffering and that no action we take based on them will lead to our desired result—peace in ourselves and peace in the world.
The method is mindfulness, the expression is compassion and the essence is wisdom. Wisdom sees the impermanent, ephemeral nature of experience and the basic unreliability of these changing phenomena. Wisdom opens our minds to the experience of selflessness, the great liberating jewel of the Buddha’s enlightenment. This understanding, in turn, engenders a compassionate engagement with the world. Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche, a great Tibetan master, taught: “When you recognize the empty nature, the energy to bring about the good of others dawns uncontrived and effortless.” And wisdom reveals that non-clinging is the essential unifying experience of freedom. We see that non-clinging is both a practice to cultivate and the nature of the awakened mind itself.
T.S. Eliot expressed this well in a few lines from “The Four Quartets.”
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well.
Joseph Goldstein, excerpted from Three Means to Peace.
SEED QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION: How do you relate to the Zen exhortation of not siding with yourself? Can you share a personal experience of a time you were able to see through your own conditioning and transcend your feelings of self-righteousness? What helps you see all your feelings with mindfulness?
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11 Past Reflections
On May 26, 2019 noor wrote :
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On Jun 28, 2018 Bec wrote :
This resonates with me so deeply as I continue my personal journey out of anxiety and low self-esteem. Even these labels, as I write them, I realise could be reassessed in the context of this concept of detachment and lifely flow. I believe this way of thinking, relating ot experience and emotions is a very valuable personal resource towards compassion and true freedom and a peaceful existence.
One of the biggest hurdles for me is 'not siding with yourself' on justifying negative self talk and internal narrative under the guise of 'self improvement' and 'learning from mistakes' and I find myself in a constant battle to allow myself to balance critique with positive compassion, gratitude and slef love. I would be very interested in anyone else's thoughts on these patterns. <3
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On Jun 19, 2018 neela wrote :
This is so apt for me at this time. As time is passing by It is becoming more and more clear to me how I feel unsafe and scared from within. And that is the very reason why I would want to side with myself even when at times, something which I did was "wrong" or "not done".... (and I am aware somewhere deep inside) I realize there is a story in my mind and it (that story in my head) kind of scares me, gives me a doubt whether Am I really loved? Am I worthy? etc.
Once I opened the wounds and started applying medicine and as it healed, I found myself able to put the issue at the center. The importance of looking at, looking into it- in a neutral way is realized. Then the need to 'side with self' became less and a balanced view emerged where the issue is important not me or he or she....
Grateful for this beautiful passage
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On Jun 19, 2018 wisdom seeker wrote :
This article opened another area of my self-centeredness: my constant comparison of myself to others. To my advantage, of course. It reminded me of a friend who related to me that a woman who I had considered a pest had contributed a simple act of kindess to our community of senior residents. She had routinely taken frayed table napkins home and rehemmed them making our dinner tables more inviting. I had never gotten to know this woman because of my judgmentalism.
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On Jun 17, 2018 david doane wrote :
I think 'don't side with yourself' means to not cling to a judgment, and instead stay open to what is and side with truth. As the Buddhists say, "Always have the beginner's mind." The author says wisdom opens us to the experience of selflessness. I put the emphasis the other way around, ie, selflessness opens us to wisdom. An example of my seeing through my own conditioning is when I saw through my conditioned anger and realized that anger is not a necessary emotion. I can disagree, object, assert, refuse without becoming angry. My feelings of self-rightousness sneak up on me, and transcending such feelings is more difficult. What helps me see my feelings with mindfulness is learning to be mindful, that is, learning to pay attention, be aware, be present, be open, not attach to any one feeling, and stay away from trying to control outcome.
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On Jun 15, 2018 Jagdish P Dave wrote :
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