Now I Become Myself

The self expands, collapses like a circus tent that the time train and experience moves to the next town. The self, atoms never rest. There is an infinite ribbon equation to the self you cannot reach it's end; It filters through all the light and dark events that made up your life like a hard steady rain penetrating every layer of what is seen and unseen. My father left a hole in my heart when he walked away from me. This abandonment became a part of my filter that kaleidoscopedthrough my entire life. Scripts meant to be abandoned; terrible nightmares to be promptly awaken from. I somehow always found another expression of that story. There are many holes in my heartSo much of my life I wanted to die to be reborn into another story free from that suffering. My mother could not express her love for mewith passion...it was consumed by her hungry wolves of anxiety, grief, longing and fear. Sometimes I am bursting with white and yellow daisies from my soul to heal with compassion for others and other times the swamp pulls me into the dark. Eternal Exhaustion of the self as it works constantly to be free. Tonight I feel the drifting tide threatens once again. My song skips and replays an adagio of "never enough". Some wounds won't heal so we mask up, march on. Who is me? Sooften quaking and crumbling on the inside just skimming by painfully. Perhaps the guard rails, hand up, free pass tokens, soft mats to fall upon were never meant for me. Discovering a deeper purpose to overcome this pain may never be comfort,extreme joy or satisfaction. One self seeks acceptance and the other screams no into all the spaces of my being. I am still here. I am still here. I am still here. I am. I amStill. I am still here. So attached still to the dream of how my life was supposed to resolve and flutter and fly and be but it could not and this loop event is what came into being. This self is a family within itself. This self is fighting and fearful. This self gets flamed and frozen for years at a time. This self won't be forever. Taking a stand, with these words that not fall down but to prepare for the Phoenix of Self to Rise up like sweetness and warm to create again and again. To be here, to be still, to be self

Bless you dear aching soul... I resonate with you just now and have additional rejection and fear Re the possible circuitry and re hashing of never enough. I crave my departed husband, I crave an illusion... I try to accept the fact that I cannot accept, that I am in denial and rejection of reality. I accept the grasping as it tries to protect me from fear ....of aloneness ....of exposure ....of annihilation...of the tearing out of me the one I love' or have attached myself to and identified with.yet in part I know dying to that 'self' is the true road to freedom..... is that just mental Tolle ism..... oh I don't know anymore... I know pain though. X
Namaste 🙏