Wow, this "not resisting resistance" truly is serenity. The sirens during meditation reminds me of my internal chaos and my needing to escape my crushing negative consciousness. In fact I have only been meditating four years because meditation would make my nervous system tuned to a high pitch. When I tired to meditate my repressed unconscious impulses would erupt into my mind and in my body. I would become burning hot, sweating, and then the sewer ran out of my mouth. I instantaneously became fatigued, terribly confused, and racked with self-doubt. Everything became so complex and exhausting.
Meditation would cause me to suddenly block all my feelings and it felt like life was being drained out of me. So I gave up on meditation many times, even from having any meaningful desires, because I did not want to hurt anymore. The chasm of inner darkness would open up inside, like a black hole draining life out of me. Meditation just became a source of torment and it felt like it was mocking me. However, I have gradually became aware I was looking for ways to do away with my tormented consciousness.
Because of physical circumstances where my cells no longer produce energy for my muscles I started meditating to learn to accept the good and the bad. It felt like there was nowhere to hide and I was forced to acknowledge disquieting parts about myself. Being sensitive to my subconscious was like a message in a bottle washing up on the shore of my consciousness. Nothingness and emptiness was the message. This place made me feel edgy, a certain death and walking off the edge of the world.
Something from within, faith and courage, began counteracting this terror and despair. Just this last year I felt this need to leap into this nothingness and to let it be who I am. And it is just lately I notice a potential here, where death and life meet together. Another way to express this is it feels like my internal silence is bowing to the external silence and these two silences are connecting. It feels like a point of death and I am surrendering to this silence and it is everything.
From this nothingness I feel like my boundaries are falling apart. The connection is my contradictions are held together in the silence. I will also say this makes my faith feel like it has no reference to anything or anyone. Faith is silence. Silence is its own value, the silence that surrounds everything and everything emanates from there. The emptiness is paradoxically creating itself, like my identity is learning to be centered in Essence. The nothingness and my empty bottle is meeting as a still point and it feels like just a place to begin.
On Dec 30, 2014 Syd wrote :
Wow, this "not resisting resistance" truly is serenity. The sirens during meditation reminds me of my internal chaos and my needing to escape my crushing negative consciousness. In fact I have only been meditating four years because meditation would make my nervous system tuned to a high pitch. When I tired to meditate my repressed unconscious impulses would erupt into my mind and in my body. I would become burning hot, sweating, and then the sewer ran out of my mouth. I instantaneously became fatigued, terribly confused, and racked with self-doubt. Everything became so complex and exhausting.
Meditation would cause me to suddenly block all my feelings and it felt like life was being drained out of me. So I gave up on meditation many times, even from having any meaningful desires, because I did not want to hurt anymore. The chasm of inner darkness would open up inside, like a black hole draining life out of me. Meditation just became a source of torment and it felt like it was mocking me. However, I have gradually became aware I was looking for ways to do away with my tormented consciousness.
Because of physical circumstances where my cells no longer produce energy for my muscles I started meditating to learn to accept the good and the bad. It felt like there was nowhere to hide and I was forced to acknowledge disquieting parts about myself. Being sensitive to my subconscious was like a message in a bottle washing up on the shore of my consciousness. Nothingness and emptiness was the message. This place made me feel edgy, a certain death and walking off the edge of the world.
Something from within, faith and courage, began counteracting this terror and despair. Just this last year I felt this need to leap into this nothingness and to let it be who I am. And it is just lately I notice a potential here, where death and life meet together. Another way to express this is it feels like my internal silence is bowing to the external silence and these two silences are connecting. It feels like a point of death and I am surrendering to this silence and it is everything.
From this nothingness I feel like my boundaries are falling apart. The connection is my contradictions are held together in the silence. I will also say this makes my faith feel like it has no reference to anything or anyone. Faith is silence. Silence is its own value, the silence that surrounds everything and everything emanates from there. The emptiness is paradoxically creating itself, like my identity is learning to be centered in Essence. The nothingness and my empty bottle is meeting as a still point and it feels like just a place to begin.