Be Nobody

 When I was a child I felt I had no value and I felt considered as nobody.  I withdrew trying to find my identity in my imagination and in my feelings.  I also needed to understand my unsafe environment and at the same time defend myself against it.  Because I felt not welcomed into the world, out of place, and unwanted I felt this overwhelming sense of this essential flaw.  It was so deep I felt it could not be healed, causing me to wet the bed for thirty-nine years.  (War creates bed wetting).  This stinking self-awareness created lots of hostility and negative feelings toward myself.  I withdrew more in search for myself and I felt this hopelessness was the current which I had to constantly swim against.  At age fifty my emotional turbulence and emotional stress finally broke my body down to where my cells could no longer work properly.
 
Dragging my body around in exhaustion and no purpose once again felt like stepping into nothingness.  It felt like I was walking off the edge of the world.  This nothingness within my memory kept communicating, “Yea, nothing in the world with which I can identify with, nothing true or valuable in which I can believe in.  There is nothing left to which I can attach myself.  This is my end, my death.”  In this nothingness I also realized the story I had been telling myself for a long time was my own fabrication.  
 
Most of my previous years I worked with determination against my fear of nothingness and now it felt like I had only created this delusional mind of making my fears fulfilled and more consuming.  My cells were not processing energy, especially in my heart.  My brain felt crazy and the madman would attack, making my mental connections go haywire.  From Alcoholics Anonymous, though, I new I had to let go of my mind being filled with terror.  The best I could tell was I had to make a leap of faith from the known and the unknown.  This leap of faith seemed like all I had to counter act the terror and the despair.
 
My nine years of letting go of my “nothingness” is now beginning to reveal itself as everything.  My identity seems to be learning to center in Essence.  There is more Divine awareness here rather than my projects and preoccupations of my ego personality.  I still have a sense of my personal and individual awareness, yet it seems less important.  There is even this new realization of my own value is without reference to anyone or anything.  There is a sense this is realistic faith and becoming more of a direct experience of my identity as Essence. 
 
So to me learning to “be nobody” has been learning to drop my particular image and ideas of myself.  I cannot do anything to be myself.  It seems, in fact, the more my ego activity slows down and rests the more I aware of Being itself is my origin of my true identity.  Maybe I felt separate from everything and my nothingness became my own self-fulfilling prophecy, and this is only because I was using my ego mind to profoundly cut me off from the ground of Being.  From this I am now learning to allow everything to arise and disappear into a state of profound stillness.  There is even a certain peace here, like self-possession and self-surrender can let go so profoundly this creates mystical overtones.

This seems like a strange language, yet Essence is felt  like the sun here and it does not seem to matter if I believe or not.  Being is a felt and experienced, just as you are all communicating.  
 

 I am so thankful for Syd and for the safety we have here.  All are loved and welcome in this place.

 True. . . true . . . true. . .true . . .true!  Thank YOU!  "When I look outside and see that I am everything, that is God (Love).