Don't Go Back to Sleep

I am going thru the process of being broken open every day ,for the last 8 month. A terrible divorce. I have been practicing and embracing awakening for a long time .However ,at the moment I feel that circumstances bring the biggest challenge to be awake and present.I'm swapped into the painful past with every painful present experience and into the fear of the future. It is almost impossible to keep awake.I cannot see the teachings in all this extreme maliciousness and revengefulness. It feels to much. 
Yes ,I'm learning to honor myself and be very assertive but what more ? because the nightmare is to big and relentless. 
I meditate ,I do self healing ,I read inspirational thingsand surrender with people that brings that energy too but the toxicity poison me .
Any suggestions on what to do to remain awake?

 Hi Vi..it breaks my heart to see n feel such pain that you are going through.But believe me this is the time to be treasured.Just keep still in your heart and let all this negativity envelop you..surrender to it completely.I know its extremely difficult to maintain equanimity at such hour but this stillness will be your saviour.Do not wish for anything,Just be with it and you'll surround yourself with that Presence that will liberate you in a manner that over time your entire life would become a sparkling diamond...Just hang in there,friend.

 Vi, you may feel everything positive, beautiful, good and worth living for is gone.  You may feel cannot escape this crushing negative self-consciousness.   The depression and despair may feel deep, even cut off from life itself.  Depression creates this feeling there is no choices, utter hopelessness, and everything can become a source of torment.  There are no desires or expectations from depression and can create a sudden blockage of feelings.
 
 If you are feeling depressed, I suggest you look at the choices you are making, even the most simple such as opening a door or drinking a glass of water.  Look for choices to be sensitive to you and offers you respect, and choices that can offers this respect back to yourself.  Make choices that offer you enormous dignity, without self-congratulation, but just being present to yourself as an individual.  Do this daily and gradually you will feel anew freedom.   
 
This being conscious of your choices and making choice for yourself takes a certain discipline, but it will gradually create this Essence that will give you an unshakable confidence.  Your spirit will draw upon the Essential strength and you will feel held up, supported, and helped in staying awake.  You may want to say, "I now choose a drink of water", or whatever is your choice, just make sure you say "now" as it helps the subconscious find its inner Essence.  
 
I believe in you and your presence is significant!                  

 Vi -- Sorry that you are going through a very difficult time.  I appreciate you asking for suggestions.  My suggestion is for you to continue meditating, self-healing, reading inspirational writing, and surrendering with people that bring energy, and that you not engage in maliciousness and revengefulness, difficult as that may be.  They are toxic.  The nightmare is big and relentless but is overcomable.  Peace. 

Hope.  
Act on it.  
Live in it.  
Pray for it.
  

 After reading David,  my thoughts went immediately to Martin Luther King.  He is an AMAZING man.  Hope.  Peace.  Pray.  Know (this world is not my home . . . and that God is IN control).  Wake (be alert that you may do your "Martin Luther King best" with THIS day/moment.) Dr. King did not stop till his very end.  What an inspiration under VERY difficult and unjust circumstances.  Martin Luther King pray for us. 

 Syd, this is brilliant!  
Vi . . . you are so worthy.  Believe you are because He says so!  (Because I hear it so often chanted at sporting events, it comes to mind now . . ."I believe that we will win ((believers))((the depressed))((the weak))((the lost))((the confused))"  . . . we just have to hope and believe  . . . WE CAN . . . thru Him . . . with Him . . . In Him.  (He promised.)  Good night!

In a similar situation, I have crept back to my smallness, re-sensing my soul, re-tasting the simplicity of the air I breathe, believing in the presence of all others' breaths - the birds, animals, flowers and plants - and know a miracle is still occurring, even in my deepest hurts....around me are miracles. I'll walk in a park and watch the water, the geese calmly swimming, and breath deeply that peace will always show up when I need it most. Stepping out into my choices for finances, auto repairs, and day-to-day moments that no longer hold correspondence with those I loved so dearly, I listen to my heart beat saying 'breathe', 'breathe', 'breathe'....and I love Syd's words. Thank you, Syd.
My eager shows up when I want to see a color in the autumn sunset...when it shows up, I'm at peace...my eager shows up when I need to clear out papers and bills....and somehow alignment with such an amazing gentleness shows up so I can do those tasks with less hurt and fear...just a day...just a choice-one choice....then another walk to be in peace...daydream wherever it leads (even to the hurt) and watch whatever shows up as if it's a silent film...and it passes and I'm still here to say 'okay....anything is okay'....and choose to breathe and stay in neutral until another activity is required. This is a short stay here in the physical...it's all so beautiful...and those who left and will leave I pray go their way/walk, and stay in peace. I've more to be near, more to sing with, croon with, more to feast with my eyes...and smell with my nose...and love with my heart....so if the canvas has changed, my soul will fill that canvas with my love and the love of all around me. It's all so sad, and simultaneously it's

 You made my day!  Thank you for not going back to sleep!

Hi Vi. It sounds like there's a lot going on in your life right now and it's overwhelming for you. I have found that when I am going through such experiences of intense pain, the pain intensifies when I resist it. Even the slightest bit of resistance to it creates more of it. When I "lean in" to pain, however, I find that there is greater ease, acceptance, love. Heaviness lifts and I feel more whole, more aligned in body, mind, spirit. I know it seems counter-intuitive to "lean in" to pain, to befriend it with kindness. Many times we would rather turn away from it, and for very good reasons. Although resistance may have good intentions to protect us from pain, it also keeps us from having a deeper connection with ourselves.

It takes courage to take the type of journey you are taking. I think the good news is that (I'm guessing) you have enough sensitivity to feel the effects of resistance in such a deep way. Perhaps what your body and soul are asking from you is to try leaning in, with eyes of curiosity for what you're experiencing. This requires staying *very close* to yourself. It may not be easy to do alone, so it may be helpful to seek support from someone who can guide you through it, if you choose this path. In my experience, it is deeply empowering.

I was listening to one of Adyashanti's talks recently, and he said that many of us can look back on the worst things that have happened to us, and recognize that they actually turned out to be the best things that happened to us (because we often experience great transformation in those times). And yet, why is it that when we're going through one of those "worst things" do we say "noooooo!"  :)

 Because we are people.  (No one wants to hurt)