Don't Go Back to Sleep

 When I have experienced loses the meaninglessness and grief would compel me to come up with ways to cope with what I had lost.  When I lost my ability to work I have tried a few things to give myself a purpose, yet to have them jerked out from under me.  From this, all I could understand was daily life is hell.  Hell is place where there is no choices, deep despair and depression, alienation and feeling trapped, everything is futile and dying, torment and this inner light is going out, deep hopelessness.  I just felt alienated from myself and others and it goes from bad to worse because no one has the ability to understand.  What is simply missing is a purpose in life. 
 
No purpose creates this constant nagging feeling of something essential is missing.  This puts me into a place where I have had to come face to face with my denial, between what is true and untrue.  From this all I experienced this enormous “gap” between what I have taken myself to be and the truth of who I am.  I, therefore, assumed God would fill in the “gap” by my learning to accept my powerlessness and draw upon God as a deeper source.  Yet I keep having a certain meaning in my life constantly being jerked away, such as my church community.  I realize my deeper states of reactivity here, clarity by letting go, and then back to states of mild ego identification.  It is like I am caught in a web of illusions and life is meant to defeat me. 
 
I still do not understand why this total blockage of life and it is being drained out of me.  The biggest part I have learned about my life, though, is it is full of contradictions.  And it seems these contradictions make no difference because the present moment is always perfect.  It is like the Essence of life is saying a meaninglessness of dying is perfect, because perfection is in the moment.  For my faith to become realistic I had to let go and genuine security is found where there is no effort or striving.  The experience of daily dying has an inherent rightness to it if I can add or subtract nothing from it.  It is a since of right now is all I need and is being awakened from within.     
 
This faith of letting go of life, transcendence, is difficult to explain.  It feels like more qualities of darkness and depression than hope.  Yet this is my ego’s perspective, so it seems the rightness is recognizing the actual support of Presence available right now.  What is true in this moment cannot be harmed, so the holy moment becomes a letting go.  The moment becomes spontaneous, a moment of inspiration, and this moment is no longer a moment of feeling the need for a purpose.  It IS.    
 
PS:  David Doane I am reading Ram Dass “Still Here” and finding him meaningful, thank you.   

 Syd,   I'm so glad the "end of your story" is one of Glory.  I look forward to the day "the gap" is no more.  You are favored.  Just wait and see!  He has plans for the cracked vessels we are.  You are NOT alone.  

 I'm now thinking about you Syd.  Sharing my own experience, I have found "secrets", lies, sin make me want to sleep.  
Because I am hypersensitive, every shadow/darkness of my youth was perceived (I perceived) in a heightened way. The sin of  my father's anger (inappropriate/unpredictable) within the home . . . was not to be "aired". Undeserved blame games/finger pointing/consequences . . . keep a little one "sleeping".  Rigid rules, overbearing control and societal monopolies . . . stifle.  
The way our light is "snuffed out" is by OUR ALLOWING others to put THEIR bucket over us . . .   
To reclaim our significance, meaning, purpose . . . we need to allow God to air us and unbind our lips.  
In truth, honesty and light, we want to wake up.  We want to tell our story not to point fingers but to learn from each other . . . to learn from our sin.
Syd, there is a really good reason you woke up this morn!       
Gotta go!