A Newly Rich Life With Yourself

My story is filled with lots of self-hatred and self-contempt, feeling inadequate and defective, even this fear of being unimportant and undesirable.  It is place I felt like a constant misfit.  I escaped my inner pain by pretending it is not there.  I gradually broke my denial, this inability to admit I was hurting inside, and I gradually let go of the inner chaos.  I learned to nurture my own, true inner life.  From there my inner landscape became this peace, like I was riding a bicycle on a beautiful day, enjoying everything about the flow of my life experience.  This unfolded into serenity.  I felt like self-possession and self-surrender together.   
 
This last year I lost perspective, lost what I learned from life, and lost my beliefs.  It felt like nothing true in the world, nothing true or valuable in which I could believe in.  There was even a certain attraction to my inner darkness.  Yet because was enduring my darkness, faith seem to be counteracting the terror and despair.  My inner faith verified I needed to drop my story I had been telling myself a long time.  This felt like I was leaping into “nothingness” or walking off the edge of the world.   I felt completely empty, this inner void.  Something from within, though, was making my faith leap into the unknown.  It felt like a sunbather feeling the sun and it did not matter if I believed or not.  This faith allowed an “opening,” which seemed to allow something higher and more essential touch my wounded self.
 
This essential that touched me appears to be the Essence of faith and appears beyond any beliefs and what I have learned.  This faith is the recognition this Essence, like rays from the sun, offering support and presence.  It is like my story is now at the point of faith within the Supreme Being and this Essence offers this unshakable confidence.  And I realize this is not my whole story and maybe this is where the moment unfolds into this living Presence.  It is just a place to begin.           
 

 Syd, I met a person you describe and all I could see was BEAUTY.  (I believe in All of Heaven, They help me (us) "to see"  as They see.  The truth sets us free:))

There is a sense of wonder in what you write Love and in the nature of seeing.  I wish I could see with innocent eyes, and yet maybe innocence is being fully and deeply human, simplicity of faith seeing itself.  Thank you!