The Question of Being

 When I felt my value as nothingness when I was small boy I lost contact with my being from within.  I thought I had holes in soul.  I looked at my body to see if I had holes in my soul.  My value being nothingness grew into feeling powerless, overwhelmed and hopeless.  This created overheated mental associations, as my mind became filled with terror.  By gradually releasing my fears from within, forty years, I have now just begun to touch faith from within.  I have noticed this real faith from within has nothing to do with beliefs, as it is more the recognition of the actual support of presence and Being right now.  This faith is an unshakable confidence and allows the moment to emerge without doubts or beliefs.  I notice this faith is stillness and being.    

This faith as being (Presence) feels like just a place to begin.  It is like I will begin over and over and over as being.  The hard part for me is this beginning does not allow my ego to accomplishing something.  It takes me back to having this sensation I have holes in my soul and my human nature abhors this vacuum.  It feels like a death walk, nonidentification with my ego, and faith within says there can be no clinging to the endless activity of my mind as a source of identity.  So if being is a place to begin and faith is real than stillness is the essence of Being. 

This is not totally clear to me as I have just begun.  The best I can tell being is a clear, quiet mind, knowing and recognizing the unity of Being.  The hard part is I do not know, only just faith is the beginning of being with Being.               
 

Hello Syd, I wanted to comment on how beautifully touching your story is. Thank you for sharing your experience. Peace, unity and blessings on the path :)
 

 You are welcome and may you know the significance of your presence  

 Dearest Syd,
First off, I love your "holes"!  I know this to be true because I myself have a ton of holes which, at first, I perceived as flaws.  As I have come to learn, "my holes" have not healed with my knowledge of them.  For me, God has allowed them to remain as a means for Him to enter in (me). if God would have never created this hole in me, I would not have IN ME.  For HIM, I am forever THANKFUL!  
"Holes" are not flaws . . . They are blessings, disguised!

i love Syd!

 It is touching to have you communicate holes in your soul.  It is also touching you communicate these holes are an opening for God to be with you. You appear to recognize your holes are not merely incidental to who you are, but reflect your Essence.  There is also something very human and the depth of feeling in what you write.  The genuineness and depth of feeling is how you express “forever thankful.”  This word “forever” feels like being true to you.  Truly, this immediate contact with you is the true self as Being.  
 
I too am forever grateful and may you draw inspiration from the significance of your presence!