What a timely passage once again. It's amazing how people create their solidified self in an attempt to "protect" themselves or to become "strong" and "successful" and do not even recognize the consequences of the choices they make. What am I doing in order to make me what I perceive as solid? What will happen to me in the long run once I am what I perceive to be as solid?
I recently realized how badly I have treated myself for so long, starting at a very young age. When I was younger I had a lot of pain and sadness in my heart; I was extremely depressed. In order to be able to function and move on, be it day by day or looking towards the future, I used the "energy" that was in the pain and sadness (which actually brought me down and sapped me of true energy) and turned it into anger. It became a whole new type of energy and I told myself that the anger was actually positive; it was aiding determination which is "movement." Now, as a "successful" and "functioning" adult, I see how that transformation of the pain into anger has affected me. It has cost me so much and it has become all consuming; the biggest challenge for me, an actual fight for my life. In an attempt to work this out and attain "no-self" I have been meditating again. I had stopped for about 5 years. I could never tell you why; I don't know. I am pretty sure FEAR had become my best friend. I am finding it easier to take situations, feelings, worries.... moment to moment. I am finding strength in not being "solid" because I realize that the solid person was bound up in pain and misconceptions and lies. In sitting regularly again, and it's not been long, I witness moments throughout the day when I want to ball up and re-solidify and protect myself, but I am able to stop myself and breathe and use the sitting meditation activity in practice in a "meditating in daily life" way. I feel that I am more committed to the sitting meditation now more than ever because I realize that this act will then provide me the ability to live life in meditation and, to me, that means true freedom and a life worth living. :-)
On Apr 30, 2011 KT wrote :
What a timely passage once again. It's amazing how people create their solidified self in an attempt to "protect" themselves or to become "strong" and "successful" and do not even recognize the consequences of the choices they make. What am I doing in order to make me what I perceive as solid? What will happen to me in the long run once I am what I perceive to be as solid?
I recently realized how badly I have treated myself for so long, starting at a very young age. When I was younger I had a lot of pain and sadness in my heart; I was extremely depressed. In order to be able to function and move on, be it day by day or looking towards the future, I used the "energy" that was in the pain and sadness (which actually brought me down and sapped me of true energy) and turned it into anger. It became a whole new type of energy and I told myself that the anger was actually positive; it was aiding determination which is "movement." Now, as a "successful" and "functioning" adult, I see how that transformation of the pain into anger has affected me. It has cost me so much and it has become all consuming; the biggest challenge for me, an actual fight for my life. In an attempt to work this out and attain "no-self" I have been meditating again. I had stopped for about 5 years. I could never tell you why; I don't know. I am pretty sure FEAR had become my best friend. I am finding it easier to take situations, feelings, worries.... moment to moment. I am finding strength in not being "solid" because I realize that the solid person was bound up in pain and misconceptions and lies. In sitting regularly again, and it's not been long, I witness moments throughout the day when I want to ball up and re-solidify and protect myself, but I am able to stop myself and breathe and use the sitting meditation activity in practice in a "meditating in daily life" way. I feel that I am more committed to the sitting meditation now more than ever because I realize that this act will then provide me the ability to live life in meditation and, to me, that means true freedom and a life worth living. :-)
Thank you.