Vulnerability is the Path

The other day I made a visit to the doctor to get a referral for something minor, and when I mentioned some other more "serious" symptoms of dizziness and confusion that I had experienced about a month prior, she started suggesting a vigorous work up -- blood test, this test, that test. I walked out of there feeling overwhelmed by the possibility of going through all these tests, and walked to my car feeling very alone. I cried for a few minutes while sitting in my car, just being with the pure emotion of this feeling alone. Staying close to the raw emotion, I noticed these mind movements of defensiveness that, if followed, could have created some disruption to just experiencing the vulnerability of this feeling alone. For instance, my mind wanted to interrupt with examples and proof of how I *am* alone (which could've easily led me down a road of suffering), and even it's opposite -- examples and proof that I'm *not* alone (pushing away the feeling / talking myself out of it). I also noticed the tendency to want to hold back the tears ("staying strong"). By not following any of these tendencies, and just letting myself be completely vulnerable and present to this emotion of feeling alone, I noticed that the feeling passed after just a few minutes. It felt like something got cleaned out, that I was a little more free and present than before. And I moved on with my day.

Though I haven't decided whether I'll get all these tests, I received a big gift by visiting this doctor the other day.

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