The Dilemma That Faces Us All

This question run deep and is at the core of the anger that had built up inside of me. To turn away from the corruption, cruelty, starvation, vastly growing poverty, the destruction of our mother’s health, poisoning of our world and those creating so much harm to others intentionally has been a dilemma for me. I was brought up with the turn the other cheek perspective and the harm I allowed to myself could fill movies. Not interesting ones as the situation, like most, we are trying to learn from kept repeating in new ways as I had not learned to stand in my center and value myself while valuing others. To ask what is forgiveness? Who am I forgiving? Is forgiving another voice of the ego?... what am learning? Why do I keep bringing this into my life? In essence, what I was doing was empowering the blackness while at the same time enabling light through collaborative systemic process change and empowering project work. There was some good in my work for the other, but what I was doing was creating more and more confusion for myself and a resentment –the fuel for powering the blackness—that was hidden deep in me. My heart aches when I see pain and I want to step in. In fact, if I am not doing something, I feel vacant and question my purpose on being on earth now. It seems that the world we came from is getting darker and darker. The more I engage with it, the more ill I get… and the more a sense of helplessness arises. The closer I get to the problems of the people, the less I see how to move forward these days. Then, the birds start singing, the dog barks and I realize that all is enough… all is light… all is love. This, of course, sounds contradictory. It is not. The day of the warrior is over. The warrior whether of good or evil is what got us into this mess to begin with. Warriors need battles… and battles need righteousness and an enemy. Can I turn away from a drowning person? As I ask this question, I think of my father who had ptsd his whole life dealing with the question and the guild of leaving behind those he could not save in the aftermath of a tsunami. When the number of drowning is well beyond my power, do I keep spinning and keep trying to save them all and watch myself becoming part of the whirlpool going down into the depths of the water? That has been my way… Yet, I teach about creativity, the power of love, creating our new world with one foot being pulled into the abyss and the other looking for ground in the new world. And I lost between worlds. Addicted to helping. Afraid to trust that if I let go and move forward, I am abandoning… and my ego asks: then who will help, if not me? It is time to acknowledge that my ego is not guilting, but simply asking… and know that others will help… they will find a way. It is time to forgive myself that I am not the savior and cannot change the world. It is time to accept that that world I keep seeing is not the world of the new and I keep recreating the old in what I am seeing and have been addicted to… do I have courage to forgive myself? More importantly do I have the love to turn away and from the anger, frustration, overwhelm, wanting to fix and weed the garden in front of me without feeling that I am abandoning the world? If I step back and look, I can see some small ways forming. Again, my ego looking to justify. As I go deeper into my soul, I remember just being… and in just being the light shone through me. That was all. It was not that I didn’t do. What I did do came from my heart and each action shone. This is the key I have been looking for. If the action or moment is not shining in/from me, then the action is coming from my ego --- attachment to the battle, righteousness, and disempowering. WE are being of light learning to live in a body. As I write this a beautiful orange bird I have never seen before sang his song in front of me, inviting me to trust the love in my heart and its guidance. Thank you for opening the space and invitation for me to explore this deep pain and shine.