Beginner's Mind Vs. Expert Mind

My son died of an overdose on August 28th, 2022, and as I walk the bank of this loss, it often becomes dangerous and frightening. Was it my fault, someone else’s fault, will I survive this pain? Each time (sometimes after a long time) I build a raft to to a safer bank. Sometimes the raft/story is healthy and healing and involved surrender, acceptance, and wonder. Sometimes the raft is toxic and full of blame. Whatever the nature of the raft I build, it gets me to another bank and I get some rest from my pain and fear. If I were to carry whatever raft I have built along the new bank, when my my fear and pain return I would first use the same raft/story to attach myself to the fear and pain on that side of the river, thinking it was armour when really it is a story that cannot guide me through the new experiences and memories that are scaring me. Eventually I would try to cross to a new bank. I have noticed about my grief that the rafts that get me past one layer of loss are not sufficient to cross the next layer. The raft sinks in the water and I along with it. An example is the brief period of time when I thought my son’s father was to blame. The story paused my fear briefly until I realized that I had chosen my son’s father, so I was to blame for that. The raft disintegrated. When I travel this journey building a new raft each time I become overwhelmed, I am able to be unstuck and instead to grow and learn to appreciate the life I have lived and still be refreshed in the moment I am living. I am able to cherish my son’s life, his death, and this time when he is with me in some other way that I continue to explore. I am not trapped in anger, blame, or sadness, although I do visit with all of these, and my rafts become more strong, beautiful, and nurturing with almost every construction. Peace be with you. 💕