I-It and I-Thou
(Reflections on "I-Thou" by Martin Buber)
I-It relationships come in two varieties.
Some are strictly utilitarian. You’re exchanging information in order to do some practical thing, like getting your taxes done.
But other I-It relationships are truncated versions of what should be deep relationships. You’re with a friend, colleague, spouse or neighbor, but you’re not really bringing your whole self to that encounter. You’re fearful, closed or withdrawn — objectifying her, talking at her, offering only a shallow piece of yourself and seeing only the shallow piece of her.
I-Thou relationships, on the other hand, are personal, direct, dialogical — nothing is held back. A Thou relationship exists when two or more people are totally immersed in their situation, when deep calls to deep, when they are offering up themselves and embracing the other in some total, unselfconscious way, when they are involved in “mutual animated describing.”
A doctor has an I-It relationship with a patient when he treats him as a machine in need of repair. But Peter DeMarco described an I-Thou relationship in a letter to the doctors and nurses who cared for his dying wife, which was published in The Times:
“How many times did you hug me and console me when I fell to pieces, or ask about Laura’s life and the person she was, taking the time to look at her photos or read the things I’d written about her? How many times did you deliver bad news with compassionate words, and sadness in your eyes?”
In our culture we use phrases like finding oneself, finding your passion, loving yourself so you can love others. But Buber argued that it’s nonsensical to think of the self in isolation. The I only exists in relation to some other.
“The development of the soul in the child is inextricably bound up with that of the longing for the Thou,” he wrote. All through life, the self is emerging out of some dialogue, either a cold stifling one or a rich complete one: “All real living is meeting.”
You can’t intentionally command I-Thou moments into being. You can only be open to them and provide fertile soil...
Buber described genuine dialogue as a sort of social flow. Teachers and students are learning with each other. An audience and an artist are lost in a performance.
These moments don’t last. It is the “exalted melancholy of our fate” that Thou moments always fade back into It moments. But a world has been built during such intense moments. A binding cord has been strengthened. The person who has experienced the Thou has been thickened and comes closer to wholeness.
Excerpted from the NY Times article: http://nyti.ms/2e8y2x1
SEED QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION: How do you relate to the distinction between I-It and I-Thou moments? Can you share a personal story of an I-Thou moment in your life? What helps you become aware of whether you are in an I-Thou moment or an I-It moment?
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7 Past Reflections
On Mar 16, 2017 Albert wrote :
I-Thou moments are most precious with others (for me) when we sense, feel, think and imagine, collectively. These same moments occur for me more frequently however in the natural environment, when I am alone with nature. I can only imagine how our world would be today if we didn't consider the non-human, natural world as an 'It.'
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On Mar 14, 2017 Soni wrote :
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On Mar 14, 2017 Soni wrote :
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On Mar 14, 2017 Barbara Gordon wrote :
What came to mind whilst reading this piece were the hours immediately following my daughter's birth. I felt such intensity of connectedness with her. In fact saying I 'felt' it isn't the word. I 'was' it! It lasted for several hours at a high level of awareness and extreme intensity and joy which expanded to include everyone and everything that had ever existed.
I have experienced this feeling at other times but for much shorter periods.
Thank you for this insight as now (41 years later) our relationship is struggling and we are considering attending relationship counselling to help heal a rift that has sat between us for over 4 years. Not easy as she lives in Australia and I live in UK. I shall take the I-Thou insight with me.
With Love and Gratitude.
Barbara x
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On Mar 12, 2017 Jagdish P Dave wrote :
Life is a web of relationships. Some are I-It relationships. They are utilitarian,pragmatic and self-serving. Such relationships are shallow leaving no nourishing deep roots of memory in our mind. I have had such relationships leaving no worth- remembering deep traces behind.
I cherish I-Thou relationships. It is a relationship between two genuine and deeply caring beings. It has openness, trust, and compassion. I have been blessed to have such deep relationships with my parents, family members, a few friends and my soul mate. Such relationships have made me a whole and wholesome person. Such relationships have been blessings to me and I am deeply grateful for such blessings.
May we keep our mind and heart open to cultivate such I-Thou relationships!
Namaste.
Jagdish P Dave
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