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I loved Conrad"s reflection on aging and fear.  I observed my mother come to the conclusion that it is easier to surrender to the process and gracefully release those things that she could no longer physically or mentally do and the result was her spiritual life became stronger as those fears of loss were gently replaced with a deep sense of trust. 

I have discovered that as a human being my first emotion is to react and take everything personally.  However, it is most interesting when I am present to question my immediate thoughts with "Is this really about you?"  Nine times out of ten it has to do with experiences prior to the present that the other person is reacting to and usually has absolutely no recognition of because they have been so drawn in by their own pain body.  This is where forgiveness, compassion and empathy come into play.....it takes a high level of present energy but it is definitely worth strengthening the response of releasing the me and embracing the we to "see with different eyes" 

In my life experience, I have found deep peace after surrendering my fears.  I remember sitting in my mother-inlaw's funeral service and feeling peace cover me like a blanket.  The relief and joy that filled my soul was because I allowed myself to release her body, mind and spirit that had suffered for so long here on earth.  I recognized and remembered that she was returning to her essence and that I was grateful for her presence in my life and that she was as close as the mention of her name.  That soothed my egoic fear of being left behind and even though I continued to miss her, I am peaceful.  I often think of this experience when tough times appear and I calm my anxiety by trusting the process of surrender. 

There is a difference between natures violence and ego's violence.  When we as humans use violence as a solution, rather than appreciating and accepting it as the creators way to allow the evolvement of other animal species and earth's method of regeneration, we hurt ourselves spiritually.  We have an egoic need to control the universe without taking responsibility for our own personal lives.  It is the unhealed healer trying to fix the world.  It comes down to learning to think differently and truly questioning out thoughts.  What are we afraid of?  What is the lesson?

I am constantly amazed at the power of my thoughts that without expectation come to fruition.  I have also learned that the measure of my gratitude greatly affects my attitude.  I do not however believe in death of what is real.  Our energy simply takes different forms and continues on.  I ask "What is the lesson?" rather than beg.  I ask for guidance, I do not beg.  Beggars do not believe that their creator gave them all they need.  I know that I have everything I need.  It is in that state of rememberance that gratitude steps into place and this child of God moves forward on her journey. 

My ego is my "childish thing" that constantly needs to be "put away". She developed around the age of 8 and has the attitude of 'I want what I want and I want it now!"  I decided that I was somehow deprived and deserved to have my own way in everything....this however, hasn't served me very well and when I am CONSCIOUS of the brat in my head, I can laugh at her and gently replace her with childlike wonder and awe at my world and a true sense of gratitude for my life.  At 62 it has taken me a lifetime of learning and relearning to hone my consciousness so that I can live more in spirit than in ego.  I expect it will continue and hopefully I will transition with a smile on my face! 

"To be still and trust" is one thing, "To be still and know " is one of the soul's foundational gifts that is for each of us to realize.  I have come to understand that it isn't simply a one time recognition but it is a rememberance that is always with me when I use the vision of a railroad crossing sign to literally STOP me in my tracks: breathe, look up and become still.  These moments of gratitude and grace lift me up to the source energy of my creator and I smile... 

I have had the privilege of watching my mother gracefully transition this past year.  She told me she never expected to live so long (93) and did not know why she had.  I told her it was so that I could learn from her how to age as I had learned how to do many other things through out my life.  I discovered that angels have wings because they take themselves lightly and so I was given this gift of knowledge so I could gratefully bid her God's speed. 

It is the duality and knowing that they shall both pass again and again that keeps us anchored.  The lessons from each encourage us to extend ourselves to evolve to the next energy level of awareness.  Nature teaches us that daylight and dark has to be cyclical to appreciate the power and poetry of the other.  It is the coming full circle only to discover you are where you were when you began....perfectly beautiful! 

The flame is whatever distracts us from love.  It mesmerizes us into a stupor that narrows our focus to ourselves.  We no longer share our love with anything but our distraction and we become  enfolded and unable to thrive.  The true intimacy of love is only possible by allowing and sharing the joy of freedom.  There is no freedom in distraction.  It is a subtle substitute that distorts our senses and drains us of the joy of life leaving a shell of the former self.

I was addicted to nicotene many years ago before all the medical aids were available.  Cigarettes ruled my life.  How many would I need for the day....remember to take them with me.....was there any one I could bum some from?  How embarassing!  The freedom that came from walking away from that addiction was one of my greatest blessings....unfortunately I have come to realize that sugar/carb addiction was my base substance and that has proven to be a much stronger one to release.  It is what I do when I get anxious, be it from boredom, anger, celebration etc.  I am emotionally immature in this area and revert to the moth seeking comfort in all the wrong places...the quick fix is the flame...reprogramming the tapes in my head requires constant vigilance...instant gratification of the eight year old child who wants what she wants and wants it now, ever draws her to the flame. 

I believe that perfection and priority are both distractions and divisive qualities/judgements of a fractured thought process.  They both come from the mindset of imperfection and weakness.  I much prefer to value my mind as a fully functioning miracle that has the potential of revealing to me the peace, joy and love of life when I stop, observe and listen to the stillness of the presence that is constantly around me.  We no longer are willing to allow ourselves the freedom to experience this gift.  Instead we are constantly caught up in striving, organizing, competing and imagining that we are in control of the world around us....what a waste.  We never arrive, we never achieve perfection and our priorities are constantly updated in a frenzy to become acceptable..I am saddened when I see so many spiritually deprived people struggling for more in this ego driven world.   

This is the first Mother's day I have spent without my mother physically on planet earth.  This is the first Mother's day that I have a grandson  seven months along in my daughter's womb.  What a bittersweet  Now this is....I will turn 62 in a couple of weeks and have signed up for Social Security and am transcending to a sense of surrender, trust, allowance and joy. 

The universe is an infinite flow of creative energy that changes forms as it's usefulness diminishes or the actions of other energy around it changes it's form as it is connected to all other types of energy.  Almost like a giant recycle bin.  As humans, we have the choice of how we want to co-create with the energy that is present now.  The amount of inner awareness of this universal energy and the principles that seem to guide it, allow the human energy force a unique opportunity to observe the difference between reality and illusion, and subsequently love and fear.  As we as humans surrender to the fact that we do not control the workings of the creative universe, a sense of humility is realized and wonder that surrounds the love of what is.  It is what motivates us , excites and fascinates us.  It makes violence, hatred and fear seam so useless in comparison.  It is time to move on or change our form, which ever the universe rolls with. 

I find as I quiet myself to listen, I discover the rich gifts that others are willing to share with me.  As a result I am grateful.  Slowing my thoughts and allowing myself to be, instead of the running chatter and judgement has become a much more valuable tool.  Material things need to be either useful or to remind me of either relationships or experiences that I love.  This brings me joy that I in turn have to share with others....especially smiles! 

Abraham Lincoln wrote "We are as happy as we make up our mind to be".  We have allowed ourselves to let others/things determine our level of happiness.  We judge our selves and others within the confines of not being enough.  This harsh, critical and low energy concept is fed to us enthusiastically by businesses who are getting filthy rich from our beliefs that we are "less than" the perfection given us by our creator.  It will change only as we take the responsibility to question our thoughts/beliefs in the light of truth. 

At one ment comes from sharing rather than giving, which infers separation and need.  When we share there is no judgement of lack, we are simply being perfectly whole.