Hi Vi..it breaks my heart to see n feel such pain that you are going through.But believe me this is the time to be treasured.Just keep still in your heart and let all this negativity envelop you..surrender to it completely.I know its extremely difficult to maintain equanimity at such hour but this stillness will be your saviour.Do not wish for anything,Just be with it and you'll surround yourself with that Presence that will liberate you in a manner that over time your entire life would become a sparkling diamond...Just hang in there,friend.
To stay awake is to be aware and accepting of life's challenges,of acknowledging the dark just the way it is..not resisting,not praying for solace.To be broke open is to let this darkness enlighten your soul and make you stronger and braver than what you've been..Cant share my story but want the readers to know that this is the only way to live a life of dignity,strength and courage.
On Aug 18, 2015 Anupam wrote on Choosing Suffering over Safety, by Bonnie Rose:
I believe suffering is an inevitable part of being alive,being human ,being vulnerable...I suffered for 25 years in an emotional vaccum in my marital relationship..absolute no connectedness with my husband,emotional or physical.But i had the safety of a warm home and loving children.It kept me safe but i was still suffering my cowardice,my inability to live as per my wish.I gave it up in feb this year..after complete 25 years..left my family to live alone.I still suffer because i miss my kids who are adults now...i'm called selfish by many people.They are right in a way because now even my kids are suffering...But i know they will outgrow this pain soon and grow up to be mature people.As for me,i 've decided to live alone till love finds me.