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HENG CH’AU: June 27, 1977.
Doubt and Fear
Going inside, returning the light is to go where you haven’t gone yet. Through the false and empty "you," keep going deeper and further. Things fall by the way--friends, fame, sex, wealth, and a few attachments you didn’t know existed. A lightness of mind and body increases as each tie is severed, each thing put down. Trading proportions of light for heavy, clear for dark. But a feeling of vulnerability creeps in too, of losing the "protectors" of self. Ultimately "who" is losing, "who is gaining?" "In the absence of thought coverings he has not been made to tremble." -Prajna Paramita.
And though others have gone this path, they can’t taste it for you or give it to you. Sages, good knowing advisors, point the way. In the end the walk is solo. I’m finding the sutras the only place that feels real, that is home. And still, it’s very hard.
So while you are not alone, you are incredibly alone. Walking along reciting the Great Compassion Mantra on a deserted ridge, way down in my guts and through every pore I felt alone. I felt alone and adrift like never before. Ultimately I knew not even "my self" can go along and so something inside panicked and fought for the controls.
It said, "This is nuts. Unnatural. It can’t be done. It’s a big hoax. There’s nothing to it. It’s a nasty trick, this Buddhism. You can’t reach nirvana. Enjoy yourself a little, relax and comfort your tired and sore body. Wouldn’t it feel good to sit in front of a fire strumming your guitar!" and on and on.
So here you are in the middle of nowhere Southern California with another fool who isn’t even talking and all you do is work, work, work--no play, no vacation, and more of the same ahead for miles and countless miles.
I don’t know why but the Sutras, the ceremonies, and the mantras bring me through these dark minutes and struggles. Faith gets tested right where the soft spots are. Sometimes all that keeps me going is knowing that going back, even a tiny step, is death. Running as fast as you can into pitched blackness, pursued by hungry coyotes chomping and salivating, waiting for you to trip or sleep. (During walking recitation at the City of Ten Thousand Buddhas a rabbit came tearing around a corner pursued by two dogs--run for your enlightenment, rabbit! Don’t turn back!) When is there no more fear and no more coyotes. In the Prajna Paramita it says, "Because it has no impeding obstruction, there is no fear and upside-down dream thinking is left far away!" The Master’s verse says, "Those who know easily enlighten the dark and difficult path."
I guess I’ll have to keep going to find out. Heng Sure won’t tell me. My teacher smiles and says, "Try your best." The candle I’m writing by is short and it’s time to go bow.