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HENG SURE: June 12, 1977. Had a positive image of bowing all day from sunup to sundown--no rest breaks, no divided time, no lunch, no hassles, no bathrooms, no fear--just steady, rhythmic bowing in a state of solid samadhi. It felt very full and strong, like it was the proper road to sagehood. It felt liberated and free from ordinary boundaries, obstacles, and "though-coverings." I felt sovereign, independent, and it’s where and how I would like to go. It’s not yet possible--my knees are not strong enough, nor is my mind, but I have a feeling that once the food runs out and the watch breaks and the cart is stolen we might be able to approach this state.
"Where do we sleep?"
"No place here to camp--middle of town." Bow.
"How do we keep warm?"
"Got to keep bowing."
"Right."
I also have seen that even if to the eye it looks like there is no road, once the bowing begins, a road appears, opens up ahead. I feel it will continue to be this way.
Just remembered something from Ch’an sessions. (Seems like there are strata of cultivation memories. The instructions are written on the walls and you have to climb that high or dig that low in order to read your instructions.) When it hurts a lot and you are determined to continue, and there is no way out, the only way to make it stop hurting is to a) lose the distinction between "want comfort" and "don’t want pain," which is hard to do and is just another thought; b) or just say "give up worrying about it, let it hurt;" or c) sit still. Hold the mind still. d) is the trick that really works best because when you cultivate and stir up the mud, if there is any sides of self or desire or ego exposed, they’re gonna get splattered with the mud and it’s gonna hurt more. So hold it all very very still, don’t have any desires, don’t think, just reduce it to a fine point and let the mind slish by on both sides. Then after a while reduce the point to nothing.
When bowing, hold the eyes still. Don’t go tripping off into the cars, the signs, the road, the surf, the cliffs, the people, etc. because each glance echoes in the head and your bowing is stirring up lots of mud, you’re in line for lots of muddy hurting. Hold the eyes still--ten feet in front to you and keep on bowing. Listen to your words with an inner ear. Let the breakfast thoughts, the memories, the car fantasies, the people readings, even the Buddha thoughts--let them go by without a trace. They are empty; return them to emptiness.
County Sheriff: "We’re just going to pat you down to see if you’ve for any concealed weapons under your robes.
Monk thinks to himself: "Nope, only weapon I’ve got is my mind and it’s unloaded."
Topanga Canyon Road
Failed today. Cut and ran at the top of the thermometer. The heaviest day yet and I took the easy way out, ran away to spend money on something external to stop and prevent my old bad habits. I lost the chance to make progress today--if I really had faith in the method, I would not fall to the heat and the tension and the noise. But instead, I ran.
Have to build back up and fight again, fight the same battle all over again. Try harder next time, chicken. You found your boiling point and it ain’t very high.
This morning I did everything right to keep food in my stomach but at 11:00 I heard a little tiny voice say: don’t eat today. I heard the same voice the last time I got diarrhea. Of course I ignored the voice both times and wound up losing two hours of bowing each day.
It might have been any one of a number of things, but at any rate it resulted in my mind going blank and giving up on the bowing until my body was right. Wrong.