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HENG SURE: June 9, 1977. I am uptight enough with the tension and exhaustion of this city work and fighting with it in my head that I can’t even laugh, don’t dare cry, shouldn’t call for help, am afraid to rest for fear it will get worse, and just keep hoping no big test comes up because I could not handle it.
About the time I relax and get into the work a real big test will pass by and we will see what I have learned.
The wisdom of the Buddhas is undifferentiated contemplation of all dharmas. The Buddha sees that all conditioned things are empty. The do not last and he does not confuse them with himself. Empty, impermanent and not self. Seeing the world this way, what can you do? What is left to do? One can only follow pure principles as taught by the enlightened masters of the past and present and try your best all the time to save all beings from their suffering. On a more basic level one should do all that is good, avoid doing anything that is evil and cultivate the practices that purify the mind.
HENG CH’AU: June 9, 1977. Kuo T’ing (addressing himself), you are really stupid! Why do you keep looking at women? You left home, remember? Stop it! Now! Why do you let your silly eyes wanders? You must stop or you are not really being serious--you’re just chasing sea foam. Why do you open your mouth and say stupid things? You left home, remember? Tighten up! Be a warrior, wage battle on the self, especially your "self"--your arrogance and attachment to ego is unequalled. Truly you alone are most stupid.
As soon as there’s a response you feel "Ah, I must share this with everyone." Really arrogant! And if you think this self-criticism is completely accurate you are even more stupid. Kill yourself!
"I" am my biggest obstacle. No one afflicts you but yourself. You yourself must tie the knots. Demons only show the way.
An advantage of diarrhea and all sickness is that it reminds one of the impermanence of the body and the short time we all have to wake up. It’s easy to feel immortal. Death and sickness can be good companions--always close, always ready--to cultivation.
Passing moments by the ocean:
"Hope you go to hell."
"Hey, wake up."
"I’ll bet they’re going all the way to San Francisco like that! Ha, ha!"
"Thanks."
Lunch offering from a upasika and $5.
As we start getting further form the L.A. area, everybody wants to have a chance to give us a meal, to help out. As a result we have food to spare. Today we got a hot dish we couldn’t possibly finish, especially since Heng Sure is trying the fight of diarrhea. We couldn’t let it spoil or waster it and we couldn’t eat it. Just then a very poor and hungry man walked by and started picking through a garbage can for scraps. We put the food on the plate and gave it to him.
But then I started to feel a little ashamed. Why did I just give him the food that wouldn’t keep? Why didn’t I give him some of the other food too? The answer was because I am selfish and greedy thinking to keep the better items for myself. The chance to give sincerely is a wonderful opportunity to plant blessings. What would I have done if the man were my teacher or father? Maybe he was or will be. Giving that you don’t want or have to use for--leftovers and second-hands--is selfish and empty. I felt pretty small and ungrateful.
Quickly we threw together a bag of goodies and found the man. He took it as easily as it was given with a simple "thank you." No thanks. Who benefits, who is in debt--it’s all the same. And I blew it because of small-minded greed. More mistakes, more learning.
An old Chinese woman watched us bow a long stretch of beach road and hopped out when we bowed by her car. Her English was better than my Chinese but still limited. The jist of her message was "you too tired--too hard--just go to Church--Jesus--easy." Then she went to her car and brought a slip of paper for each of us. It reads: "People should worship God and Jesus only, please." I think she was sincerely concerned that we were working too hard for nothing.
At the end of the day a young woman with a baby in arms approached the van. She put her hands together, bows, smiles, and waits. No words. She bow again, picks up her baby and walks away.
Now what was that all about?
A lot of women have been coming up and bowing lately or asking lengthy questions. Why would anyone want to bow to me?
Everything is different in cultivation. There are different rules to fit a different reality. I only got hints and glimpses of both now and gain. So I make lots of mistakes and always seem to be one step behind.
Things are not always what they seem.
"Everything is a test to see what you will do."
Three Steps, One Bow is making me more aware of energy (light) waster and use. The physical and mental demands leave little room for goofing up and the feedback is fast when I do. Each time I look up at a surfer or billboard I leak out energy and the next bows I feel more weight and pain. Each time I open my mouth to rap during a rest the next hour is torture. Too much food for lunch and all my energy races to have it out with the greedy ghosts in my stomach. The first hour bowing after lunch is like the first day again. The real killer is to have lost control in my sleep. The whole next day and often longer is pure hell.
I’ve been experimenting. We cut out totaling, Heng Sure completely and me only when necessary. We are meditating more regular, bowing a little more and trying hard to put our eyes, ears, and noses on the sidewalk. The results were immediate. Bowing got lighter, actually felt like I had lost weight or inhaled helium. It’s easier to concentrate and distractions are less of a problem. Generally I feel more peaceful and cool, more prepared for the always unexpected kinds of things that come up out here. I catch my errors sooner and have been able to even avoid repeating a few.
This energy is a precious source. The less I waste the less I take from others and the more there is generally available to share all around. Every day I watch this resource rise and fall, build and leak--all controlled by my mind. There’s only so much, like a battery and the ways to drain it are as countless as my false thoughts. To get a handle on it and learn to use it for cultivation and benefiting others is a trick. If I can retain the light then the energy potential and benefit is like a laser. At that point of death I don’t want to look back over my life and see it pass like a flashbulb on a camera without film.
Crazy! Absolutely crazy! I feel like I’m clawing at the inside of my skull. Voluntarily going mad. My knees are sore, the wind strong and deafening, the waves hiss and shh without letup and the sun is a relentless tormentor on my bald head. The road stretches meaninglessly ahead and behind like my life. There’s nothing to go back to and a bunch of unknown ahead. Everything starts to disintegrate like a hug jigsaw puzzle in water. Nothing makes sense or matters. And yet here I am, nowhere, at this point in time or space or somewhere. I can’t even make in to "familiar and secure sense of myself and ‘things’." I have no idea at this point of what anything is all about especially not Three Steps, One Bow. Crazy, absolutely crazy! Laugh, cry, bow, or die, it all seems the same.
From the beach: "Go home baldies." We are trying our best.
At the end of the day in the last five minutes, along this dirty, hot stretch of road, a couple walked up. The man bowed once and then stuffed something into my hand. He either said "Peace" or "please"--there was too much noise from diesel trucks to hear--and quickly walked away smiling. It was a $50.00 bill. Half of a Buddha for the City of Ten Thousand.