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HENG CH’AU: June 7, 1977
False Thinking Hurts
Bowing along the Pacific Coast Highway this morning I started to false think about a letter I needed to write. Suddenly there was a sharp pain in my head—like an electric nail being driven in. Immediately I started reciting again. The pain completely vanished within 30 seconds.
This happened once at Gold Mountain in front of the Kuan Yin altar. The pain was like a bolt and almost literally knocked me down. As soon as I began to recite sincerely, it disappeared.
It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better
Some friends of mine have made the observation, "Since becoming involved in Gold Mountain you have become more intolerant and arrogant, less humble and more critical." It can look like that, I suppose. In fact many people who draw near and practice Buddhism go through some rough and unpleasant changes at first. Some find themselves getting more angry or jealous, others experience an increase in laziness or greed for food and sex. Some fly off the handle where before they were calm, mellow. Some become stingy and even more hateful. All this is true, but it’s only half true. There is some here than meets the eye.
To get worse like this is a wonder opportunity and I sincerely wish more people would try it. How can I say that? As a hospital orderly, I spent a number of years working in alcohol and drug detoxification. People trying to kick an addition to booze or heroin can get pretty ugly and unhealthy looking. In every case, after a few weeks they look worse than when they first arrived. And the ones that try the hardest look the worst. Their visiting family invariably comments about this apparent deterioration and wonders if maybe it would not be better just to feed the patient’s habit. On the whole the process of suffering and cleansing was not very pretty.
When it was over, though, those that stuck with it really had their health and minds back. By undergoing a little suffering a bigger suffering was ended.
Gold Mountain and Buddhism are in many ways detoxification centers for the heart. People come to them to withdraw from the ego and the afflictions of "self." Most get worse before getting better and all in all it can be as intense and painful as major surgery or good psycho therapy. Kicking the afflictions of one’s own greed, anger, and stupidity is harder and takes longer than any Rhenobarb or alcohol treatment. Withdrawal from self seems endless to me, like trying to stop the waves on the beach. Hard work, lots of patience, and small changes.
But with a good teacher and a supportive community, there exists a very rare opportunity to try. If you are really afflicted and really lucky you could end up in a two week Ch’an sit, or do a bowing pilgrimage, or translate sutras, or try to pull the weeds on 237 acres. Dharma doors are as limitless as the afflictions they supplant. Just keeping the lay precepts is an accomplishment and to do it well is the way to truly kick the habit of birth and death and end all suffering.
It is unimaginably hard work and not too comfortable, this cultivation stuff. But it’s also a real opportunity to shed all toxins and dead skin. People get happier and healthier cultivating the Buddhadharma. Now there is a chance to be really free and of benefit to all beings. There’s no reason to hang on to suffering and sickness. Take the chance. Let Buddhism bring out the worst in you.