Bowing Journals | Top | << Back | Next >> | End
HENG SURE: June 4, 1977. This is the last bow of the first day of the rest of your life. No…uh, that’s…this is the first bow of the only day to last the rest of your life.
Today after lunch I felt totally here for the first time. It has always taken me time to adjust when traveling. Very slow, like mud, it takes a while, but today I arrived. Felt all here and relaxed, ready to go to work. The trip has really begun and tomorrow the Abbot comes to start us all over again.
There is a constant low-key fear in our bodies. We can function, our minds would stay loose, but deep in the spinal muscles, in Heng Ch’au’s shoulders and in Heng Sure’s guts there is tension. Actually it’s all in the mind, natch, but it shows up in the deep parts.
On one hand you could call it really dull and uneventful, slight fuzzy, occasionally impure, occasionally clear and tranquil. On the other hand you could call it the mellow, even, state of mind of a Gold Mountain cultivator. Not many hassles, not many highs. The frequency range, if I were a radio goes from 850 to 920, highest in the early AM, just before lunch, and past 4 PM. Lowest just after lunch and from 3 to 4 PM and just before bed.
Someone who looks for thrills and space-outs would probably feel unsatisfied. It’s too constant, back-burner on medium heat day and night and day.
Something in that pot will be cooled though, by and by, sure as sure can be.
The job now is to keep the kitchen clean, watch the post, adjust the flame, tend the fire, thank the cook, and patiently wait.
I can see the beach for the first time. Nearing the end of the trip’s first leg. Fought a bout with fear this morning during the first hour. A test to try to move me using my old weak bowels habit. I got the boiling guts urge all of a sudden and it was hot and fearful. I was full of fears--the streets threatened this and that…I was ready for it and recognized it as a state, a test, because I had been feeling fine up to that time.
I wanted to bow more than I wanted to find a bathroom. So after struggling inside to overcome the fear with logic and reason, blank-outs, and low-energy coercion, I gave up and yielded. I said, "I don’t care what guts full of acid, I kept on bowing. After making this resolve, my wandering eyes found my nose and rested there, concentrating. Suddenly it all changed. My whole state fell into order. The test was over. My breath caught up and returned, my shoulders relaxed, my energy fell to where it should be. Everything relaxed, straightened, and breathed. Control your eyes. Bow!