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HENG CH’AU: May 24, 1977. Just as the absence of sexual desire has helped my cultivation immeasurably (less moody, more vigor, concentration, ch’I (energy), “seeing” light, ease, etc.) so the loss of essence hinders it. This a.m. more aware of that than ever. Feel cold, yin-dejected, hard to ignite, very much not “seeing”--a loss of lightness and vigor. Common.
I can’t overemphasize how important this is. It is the key and sine qua non of my cultivation. The “reverse turning” being here--in getting rid of sexual outflow. Unable to get rid of the, there is nothing. With it? Well, I’ve only tasted a little so far but it’s truly wonderful. The real freedom and joy lies in transcending and transmuting sexual desire.
There’s no place in the world like Wilshire Blvd. Real live Ben and Barbi dolls, all manner of endless things to buy and forget with. It’s very every street in America grown wild, colossal. People drop with heart attacks on the sidewalk while shopping or after lunch. An ambulance picks them off the street and they’re gone, just like the broken-down cars towed away by a tow truck. Impermanence everywhere.
The pigeons and shoppers husble and jump about--endless hunting, endless needs. I used to think I could never avoid this when I was a kid—that this was the world one had to grow into and take over, to inherit. But there’s another heritage waiting for anyone who wants some truth--cynicism ain’t it. When you play all these dharms through and through, over and over, some day or other, some morning half awake after the alarm rings or just before you fall asleep, it hits hard--this is nowhere! But what else is there? Well, I’ve done all these trips and games and thought they were it and watched them all deflate into this void. Take refuge within, in the Triple Jewel. It’s here that the answer lies. Alive in America, how rare!