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HENG CH’AU: May 18, 1977. Another break-in attempt about 4:15 this morning. Maybe because we overslept and started morning recitation late? Feeling scattered and doubtful--better after our first hour of bowing. A little feeling of homesickness for friends, etc. Sometimes it is very hard to go out on the edge, to give up securities, comforts. When you have them you are constantly trying to find something beyond. When cultivating something beyond, you look back and miss them! Quite foolish, but real. Doubts are a test like everything else. Non-retreating can be hard when you don’t know what’s ahead but clearly know what’s behind--is this faith? We are relying on some inner-strength to keep keepin’ on.
Morning thoughts. The energy, clarity, and response for bowing is at its peak in the morning. The last hour for bowing is at its peak in the morning. The last hour is the very best. The yin energy is the lowest, the nastiest aren’t out, and nature is undisturbed. After lunch it changes and by 4-6 it can be pure hell. Over a period of time, hopefully, I can level these two peaks.
MacArthur Park: Bad vibes. Lots of yin, alcohol, defilement. What we do with our “share”--original light--never stops amazing me. When people pass, scream out, etc, I change them around somehow and see them enlightened, pure and realized. They are all really interesting and charming that way. The slowly the marks start to show and all the retribution distorts and transforms each in proportion to his karma. I can see how and what happened, the causes and results working like a sculptor on the original block and--presto!--I can see the buildings, the air, the landscape, and countless things fall into this transformation chain reaction. Everything starts from the mind. It’s there where the real change must take place; the rest is just waves.
Old people and kids so far have been the most tolerant and relaxed about our trip, less attached, and closer to birth and death. They seem to be comfortable with change and impermanence, things and life are filled with wonder and the unpredictable. Also money, fame, and sex are not so almighty for them. The less you hold on to the more you can pick up. If you are full and tied up, then two monks bowing on “your” sidewalk present a great assault and shock.
Very few understand, Spiritual life is weak and dying.
Comments and encounters: Businessman: “Peace be with you.”
Old man with big white eyebrows and neat eyes (third time I have seen him). “Buddhist, huh? How strong are you?” I missed the point. Could have said, “As strong as you, and as weak as you. No difference between you and me. All is Buddhism--the ten realms.”
“Well, good luck to you. A whole year, eh?” and eyebrows lift.
Big UAW conventioneer, “You guys sick or somethin’” Is that what you do? Too bad.” Really looking to bust heads. No response. He mellows, watches, fades, no hoook to catch, no place to steer. Offerings: (lunch, two bowls, incense jar, curtains, pads on pants, mangoes, apples…)
“Don’t mix animals with the vegetables. The animals are poison--blood. Eat fruit and vegetables and grains. God said so. After five months your blood and nerves and marrow will change and you’ll be as soon as me.”--old man on Wilshire. Two Moslem women appear, “Oh, Buddhists! We really like your dress!” Motorcyclist, “Try Jesus?”