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August 1, 1979
Sea Ranch, California
Dear Shih Fu,
If you make great vows, you can't do
any false thinking. If you make a big
vow and then you have a few false thoughts,
these can obscure the big vow. So don't
have any false thoughts about killing,
don't have false thoughts about stealing,
don't think about saying false things...
-- Master Hua 1973
Shih Fu, this disciple is still trying to dig his way into hell with his tongue. Today I nearly succeeded and I only used my pen, not even my tongue.
This morning, Heng Ch'au and I were feeling really on top of the world, and we got careless. We were writing letters after morning recitation. The topic was the Vinaya. Heng Ch'au said "It would be really great to be a perfect Vinaya Master. If One would be so good at keeping the rules that it would be perfectly natural-looking, effortless, and you'd never make a mistake."
I took this chance to break the rules and came out with a corking big error in cause and effect. I wrote this note: "Vinaya Master Hung Yi had one pair of shoes that he wore for years and years. The story goes that he walked like on eggshells, s-l-o-w-l-y, so as to avoid stepping on bugs."
I gave it to Heng Ch'au and watched his response. When he didn't say anything I did an imitation of a man shuffling along in terror of killing bugs and then made a slighting gesture with my hand to say "Baloney." I wrote, "You'd never notice the real one," meaning that one who walked this way could not be genuine. He would be attached to marks and the appearance of keeping the rules. I meant that true Vinaya Masters shouldn't be so forced and artificial. We finished writing with a discussion of the precept sash and agreed that keeping the rules purely is the single most important part of being a true Buddhist disciple.
As soon as I went out to bow, I realized that with my note and my gesture and my attitude behind it, I had just sent myself to Hell for slandering the Triple Jewel, slandering the Proper Dharma, committing the offense of false speech, breaking the Bodhisattva Precepts against a) praising oneself and slighting others, b) disrespectful and rude behavior towards teachers and elders, c) baseless slander, d) treating Dharma teachers with contempt.
I repented on the spot, my mind dumb-struck that I could be so careless. After lunch I wrote this note to Heng Ch'au: "My quick story on Ven. Master Hung Yi this a.m. is the causes and conditions of slander, false speech, duplicity, harsh speech, frivolous speech, and gossip. It is the source of boundless offenses and obstacles. I must not do it any more! I don't have the stature to talk about great monks in this way. How stupid to defame our own Virtuous Elders! It's like cutting off my hands just for laughs. First of all, I don't even know if the story is factual--it's just here- say, idle gossip. I do know that any Ven. Master's purity in the Vinaya is totally admirable and deserving of great praise. This is shameful conduct on my part. It's my own funeral, a fast train ride to the Hells. With so few Sanghans in this age and fewer still of accomplishment in Vinaya practice, and I make it my business to casually slight one of the highest of them. Insane! If I don't cultivate control of my tongue, what Way am I cultivating?
This afternoon as I bowed, I repented again, feeling greatly fortunate at being able to repent. The Shami Lu tells the story of a monk who slandered an Arhat by saying he sounded like a dog when he recited. The Arhat forgave the monk immediately and kindly advised him to repent. Because of the Arhat's compassion, the monk was saved from falling into the uninterrupted hells, which was his due. He was reborn as a dog, instead.
Just last week we read in the Third Ground Chapter of the Avatamsaka Sutra about the cultivator who has the Heavenly Eye spiritual penetration. It says,
...he can see how beings get reborn in good
or evil destinies, depending on the karma they
create. If a being accomplishes evil deeds with
the body, or evil deeds with the mouth, or evil
deeds with the mind, if he slanders worthy
sages, if he is endowed with deviant views, as
well as the karma of deviant views and their
causes and conditions, then when his body decays
and his life ends, he will certainly fall into
the evil destinies and be reborn in the Hells.
How could I be so stupid as to try it out for myself? As I reflected, I felt really hot. I was miserable. I couldn't breathe, my inner beings were arguing, fighting, full of fear and doubts. My head was a little corner of Hell. I went to relieve myself and in the process stuck my hands with long sharp thorns.
I repented to the Triple Jewel and to my Teacher. I apologized to Ven. Master Hung Yi. I said, "Whatever I've got coming, I want to take on. I'm not afraid of suffering, knowing full well that I've planted an evil seed and will surely meet my retribution. I fear only that my vows will be obscured and that I won't be able to accomplish my Way-karma and be of benefit to all beings." I humbly requested that I be gathered in by the Triple Jewel, if I could be of any use in the future in propagating the Dharma, that I'd be forgiven and returned to purity.
Just as I made this request, a car came speeding out of nowhere. It made a deliberate pass at us, zooming over onto the road shoulder where we were bowing. The car door flew open as it passed, missing me by an inch as it roared by. This was nearly the end of the pilgrimage. I believe it was a compassionate rescue by the Triple Jewel from an "instant karma" payoff of my debt. I recite the Great Compassion Mantra and carry the Shurangama Mantra on my person at all times. These mantras have inconceivable power to overcome the karmic trespasses of sincere but ignorant living beings. I believe that I can still write this letter only due to the compassionate regard of the Triple Jewel and the power of repentance. I'm really lucky not to be roasting in the hells. Instead, I have another chance to cultivate the Way.
Why did I make the stupid statement in the first place? Three years ago the Ven. Abbot said to the assembly from the high seat, "Those of you who keep gossiping will fall into the Hells. I don't want you to, but cause and effect is really true. I'm powerless to prevent it. Be careful!" How come I haven't learned my lesson? Why does my mouth obstruct me, despite my best efforts to control it? It's because of the bad seeds I've planted in the past; it's the karma of anger.
Universal Worthy Bodhisattva explains it this way, "A Bodhisattva who has thoughts of anger or hatred towards other Bodhisattvas, will be obstructed by the following million gates of obstruction (Among these is:) He will always give rise to the four kinds of mistakes of speech and thereby create the obstacles of bad speech karma."
It's the story of my life, and if I hadn't begun to cultivate the Dharma, I'd never have recognized it or had the chance to hear about it and change it. I would have carried my mountain of offenses through this life and the next one and the next, never reducing it, always adding to it, unaware of the source of my suffering. I never considered myself as having much anger. I came back to the car this afternoon and took a good look. The rear end was dented, the tail pipe broken off and the bumpers twisted. The same car that buzzed us, first had paid the Plymouth a call, Heng Ch'au informed me. When they couldn't break in, they rammed it from the rear, trying to push it into the ditch. Is this not an angry act? How can I deny that it's my retribution returning to me?
I recalled the beer bottle that broke the window behind the picture of Kuan Yin Bodhisattva. The bottle spoke Dharma for me then as the car spoke it today. It said, "Good Man, where in empty space is there a need for your fighting? Who told you that you have to be #1? Who makes you struggle to be special and different from everyone? You're not, you know. You're just like all beings, and that's good enough. Have compassion, brother. Everyone makes mistakes. Be more yielding. Let that anger go. See what it brings you when you do so much false-thinking?"
I thought of the Buddha as I saw my own sad reflection in the Plymouth's dusty window. The Buddha is a perfect person. He has eighteen qualities that are special to him. Among them are these: his body, mouth, and mind never make mistakes. He never sees anything or anyone in the world as different. His mind is never unconcentrated and he never fails to renounce himself to benefit others. He arrived at these powers and this great compassion by cultivating for a long time. He certainly endured a lot of suffering, but he took it without fear and without anger. When he woke up to cause and effect, he stopped swallowing the poisons of greed, anger, and stupidity, and quite naturally he got better. One day, he reached perfect health: Buddhahood.
The whole experience today strengthened my resolve to work hard at cultivation and not do so much false-thinking. It deepened my faith in the power and purity of the Dharma of repentance. I felt like a father looking at his stubborn child who won't listen to reason. The child's face is all scratched and bruised, he's run his bike into the curb again and fallen off. The father picks him up and straightens the bike's handlebars. He points him back on to the street and reminds his son that as long as he rides on the level path, and in the middle, his way will be unimpeded. "It's true for you, son, and it's true for everyone else, too. Be careful and ride well."
The Buddhadharma is like that, it keeps us from smashing our lives on the curbs of karma while we head for the Buddha's City. We're all on this road, we all make it safely.
The repentance lifted a huge cloud of darkness from my shoulders. I recalled how three weeks ago a tiny bug caught my eye. It appeared on a rock below my nose as I bowed. As I watched, the bug, no bigger than a pinhead, defecated on the rock; a minute squirt of pee. It rubbed its little hands together, wiped its face and hopped away. I thought, "There I am. That's me. No different than a bug every time I forget to cultivate. Life is more than eating and defecating. Don't be so selfish, Kuo Chen. Go plant pure causes. Work hard! Don't be just another bug! Don't worry about yourself. Don't think! Cultivate the Way!"
I don't mean to slander insects. Bugs can be good advisors. I am truly of one and the same substance with insects. Their bodies transform and decay in an instant, mine takes just a little longer. But I don't want to be a lazy bug. Lazy bugs get dragged all over the universe by their karma. Vigorous cultivator bugs, one day, when their work has been done well, find themselves "in control of the thousand changes and ten thousand transformations, totally free to do anything you want to do" as the Master put it in December of 1977 at Gold Wheel Temple.
Disciple Kuo Chen
(Heng Sure)
bows in respect