Bowing Journals | Top | << Back | Next >> | End
Out here we get lots of chances to practice. We drove a couple miles south of the rock assault to camp that night. But in the morning we would have to bow right through the gulch where the young men were camped. At our bowing pace of a mile a day we would be sitting ducks for them. There was no other road. I started to get uptight, feeling nervous and vulnerable. Why? Because I had just made a vow not to fight and contend anymore. No more fighting for self-benefit with body, mouth, and mind, with fists, debate, or thoughts. So tomorrow was a mid-term exam, clearly a test of my resolve.
My adrenal in energy was up, squeezing my neck and shoulders into a dizzy knot. I turned and jumped at every car that passed. My heart doesn't want to fight anymore, but I've got the habit. I've put down my weapons but haven't learned how to put down my fears and "smash an army of demons" with the strength of kindness, good karma, and a concentrated mind.
He vows that all beings put down and leave
behind all knives, swords, military weapons,
and tools of evil and suffering and that they
cultivate the many kinds of good karma...that
they leave all their fears, and beneath the
Bodhi-tree, subdue and smash the army of
demons.
I started looking for outs--thinking about food, alternate routes, of trying to reason with them-- but it's no use, I can't relax and not try to control things. I feel like I'm going to battle blindfolded. I think, "This is like war. Where do wars come from?" Wars come from thoughts of greed, always trying to win and be number one. In my mind there's an "open 24-hours," non-stop juke-box record playing the "number one" song. Inside it plays the Super Bowl, the Top Ten, Hall of Fame, highest G.P.A., biggest G.N.P., the Miss America Contest, the Best Seller List and the Indy 500. My mind makes leagues, divisions, playoffs, semifinals and finals, out of everything from a to z. It keeps a running score on where I stand, my chances to come in first place, like the Wall Street Dow Jones tickertape. I compete with myself, my family, friends, strangers, the next country and empty space. "First on earth, first on the moon."
People all want to be number one.
They all want to be leaders, to be the
best in something. They fight for first
place. All of the world's troubles begin
right here. Do you believe it? It's
true. All of our troubles come from greed
and seeking. Originally there are no
problems, but we people give ourselves
all the hassles in the world.
Note: As a child in school, I never gave a second thought to the "number one song" we all sang. We studied and compared birth rates, death rates, crime rates, suicide and fertility; the strongest man, most beautiful woman, the smartest scientist, and the bravest soldier--everything from Olympic Gold Medals to fewer cavities taught us to compete to be the number-one winner. I did it with grades, sports, try-outs for this and that, so it seemed natural that countries did it, too. When the Russians launched Sputnik I into orbit, everybody flipped-out. The science programs in all the schools were accelerated. "The Russians are ahead of us! They're winning the 'Space Race,'" everyone said in near panic.
I turn everything into a contest and a game; everyone becomes an opponent and rival. Driving the freeway, getting the best deal, always racing and beating the clock, making a hit and a score-- bigger, better, higher performance...The Winner! It's said that breaking rules wins wars. But breaking rules causes wars, too. Always trying to win, "by hook or by crook" is waging war in my mind. Soon, it spills out and fills up the universe with conflict and destruction. Fighting inside brings wars outside.
The little war with the rock-throwers is just a scaled-down version of the bigger war going on in the world. It all starts right in my own upside-down heart. "Gotta make it big! Get to the top. Be a somebody. Be looked up to and admired." So I get back what I put out. I should take it and not complain and whimper. How stupid to fight back! When I stop competing and scrambling for name and fame, then people will stop fighting with me. If I play the game, I should take the bumps. How will the world get better if I don't change myself?
If I am unable to cultivate proper conduct
myself, to get others to cultivate it would
be impossible
What should I cultivate? Not killing. Isn't fighting and putting down the other guy a kind of killing? When I strive to win, who loses? Do I care? There's lots of ways of killing and dying. Sometimes they are hard to see. When I was a boy, I went to the Super Bowl football game. During halftime, they brought out a "football squadron" of fighter pilots. They were soldiers who dropped the crime rates, suicide and fertility; the strongest man, most beautiful woman, the smartest scientist, and the bravest soldier--everything from Olympic Gold Medals to fewer cavities taught us to compete to be the number-one winner. I did it with grades, sports, try-outs for this and that, so it seemed natural that countries did it, too. When the Russians launched Sputnik I into orbit, everybody flipped-out. The science programs in all the schools were accelerated. "The Russians are ahead of us! They're winning the 'Space Race,'" everyone said in near panic.
I turn everything into a contest and a game; everyone becomes an opponent and rival. Driving the freeway, getting the best deal, always racing and beating the clock, making a hit and a score-- bigger, better, higher performance...The Winner! It's said that breaking rules wins wars. But breaking rules causes wars, too. Always trying to win, "by hook or by crook" is waging war in my mind. Soon, it spills out and fills up the universe with conflict and destruction. Fighting inside brings wars outside.
The little war with the rock-throwers is just a scaled-down version of the bigger war going on in the world. It all starts right in my own upside-down heart. "Gotta make it big! Get to the top. Be a somebody. Be looked up to and admired." So I get back what I put out. I should take it and not complain and whimper. How stupid to fight back! When I stop competing and scrambling for name and fame, then people will stop fighting with me. If I play the game, I should take the bumps. How will the world get better if I don't change myself?
If I am unable to cultivate proper conduct
myself, to get others to cultivate it would
be impossible
What should I cultivate? Not killing. Isn't fighting and putting down the other guy a kind of killing? When I strive to win, who loses? Do I care? There's lots of ways of killing and dying. Sometimes they are hard to see. When I was a boy, I went to the Super Bowl football game. During halftime, they brought out a "football squadron" of fighter pilots. They were soldiers who dropped the most bombs and flew the most missions (had the most "kills") in Southeast Asia. There they were lined up in T- formation on the field as a "Super Team." It pained my heart and opened my eyes to see that. How far we have strayed from the ancients who,
Even when he conquers does not
regard weapons as lovely things.
For to think them lovely means to
delight in them, and to delight in
weapons means to delight in the
slaughter of mankind. He who delights
in the slaughter of men will never
get what he looks for out of those
that dwell under heaven. A host that
has slain men is received with grief
and mourning; he that has conquered
in battle is welcomed home with rites
of mourning.
Kids always ask us, "What would you do if someone hit you or tried to pick a fight and beat you up?" We tell them straight that if you treat people with kindness, compassion, joy, and giving, then no one will even bother you. "You'll have many good friends and never be afraid. Once you think to fight, then a fight will find you. And once you start fighting, it's hard to stop--there's grudges and 'getting even' and a 'score to settle.' If you push people around, even in your thoughts, people will push you around. Fear comes from doing the wrong things in the past."
So, I figure now if I'm afraid of tomorrow's "battle of Russian Gulch", it's because in the past I've done a lot of killing and fighting. My karma from trying to be number one and a winner is deep and heavy. Now I'm getting a taste of my own medicine. Heng Sure isn't the least bit afraid or nervous. Why? Because everyone's karma is different. There are measureless different worlds and realities mutually interlocking and yet none are confused or jumbled. So two people can be standing side-by-side in the same situation and one receives suffering, the other receives bliss.
As for the individual karma of each
living being, there are worlds in measure-
less varieties; within them we grasp and
cling to existence, and we each receive
a different measure of suffering or bliss.
Note: We bowed through Russian Gulch the next day without incident. No rocks, no angry young men. It's all made from the mind!