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July 1, 1979
Sonoma Coast
Dear Shih Fu,
A cultivator's powerful medicine of the Avatamsaka Sutra turns days and nights into an adventure of discovery. Cultivating the Way is constant learning. The teachers are everyone, the classroom is the world, the training rules are kindness, compassion, joy, and giving. The courses include faith, vigor, single-mindedness, concentration, and wisdom. Patience is the proctor. Great Compassion is the constant aspiration, the Buddhas' Bodhi is the future graduation.
Every day I cultivate, I see more bad habits unfold. The light of cultivation shines into the dark corners of the mind. The harder I work, the happier and better I feel. Like opening the doors and windows of a musty attic, the fresh air of the Dharma makes useful space out of the parts of my life I've overlooked for too long. I want to be a Buddha. I've got a lot of changing to do first.
Growing up in the modern age, I learned how to fight for what was called "success and happiness". The teaching divided into struggles for power, pleasure, wealth, profit, and fame. When it got confused with politics, it was called the "struggle for freedom." In the end it is just a lot of fighting.
The modern world trains young men to fight for success. As I learned the rules of the fighting game, I was sold on the notion that more success brought more happiness, no matter what I had to do, no matter who I had to step on, cheat, or hurt in the process. The point of the game was to get more of everything. There was only one rule: win. No matter what: win big. We glorify our rule-breakers, outlaws, and clever crooks. It's upside down.
I tried hard to win at this crazy game of success. The better I got at it, the more unhappy I felt. "Oh, it's lonely at the top," says the popular song. And the part of the game no one told me about was that in the end, there are no free lunches. When you break the rules to win, you lose. You may not get the results back right away like in a horse race, but cause and effect is really true--not off by an eyelash.
The bowing pilgrimage has opened my mind to my past training. Only this month, after two years of bowing, have I seen how deeply I am programmed to fight. Leaving home and making vows set my feet on the right path. It takes a lot of pick and shovel work to uncover the roots of my bad habits. Because of the power of repentance and reform, I've gotten lots of help in returning to health.
As we bowed through the sleepy suburb of Daly City, we picked up a lot of hostile vibrations from young men. We heard shouts of "They're kissing the ground! What perverts!" "Get up from there. You kiss the sidewalk again and I'm going to shoot you!" "You can't do that here. Go somewhere else and kiss the ground!" I thought, "Good grief! We've come nearly six hundred miles and not since the very beginning have people thought we were kissing the ground. What gives?"
Because he dos not create bad karma,
bad karma does not obstruct him. Because
he does not give rise to afflictions,
afflictions do not obstruct him. Because
he does not slight dharmas, dharmas do
not obstruct him. Because he does not
slander the Proper Dharma, he is not
obstructed by retribution.
-- Avatamsaka Sutra
Later that same day, two young men made it their job to instruct me further about my fighting karma. They threw eggs, milk cartons, copies of the rolled-up newspaper, and rocks. All of these missed their target, but I got the message all the same. The boys were vigorous in their efforts, however, and bold. I went down for a bow and heard footsteps approach. Something soft and gooey splattered my head from directly above. An entire cup of rancid butter slid down my cap and covered my left ear. How did it feel? Injury from empty space. How could I have used my mind to fight and to hurt people in this way for so long?
This was the fruit of my search for success at any cost. How does a Bodhisattva think?
The Bodhisattva uses the Dharma to
transform all beings with a kind mind
that never injures or harms.
Avatamsaka Sutra
Bodhisattvas don't fight. They don't compete. They don't discriminate among any beings. As I grew up, I learned to discriminate social class at a glance, all based on competition to be first. "Keeping up with the Jones's" was the name of the game. The distinctions were based on surface externals, like the chrome trim that makes one car look different from another. I wear gray, ragged robes and have dirty hands most of the time. I see people react to my appearance and I recognize how I used to size people up based on false coverings and costumes. I was never satisfied. The people with more style than I had made me feel jealous and inferior. Those with no style made me feel superior, like a winner. What a trap I made for myself with false discriminations. What a burden. The joke is this: only this week did I recognize that I still thought this way. After being a Buddhist for six years and a monk for five, I still carry my habits of discriminating with me. My seeking and desire to win are my deepest programming. Really hard to shake!
How did I find out about it? We read these words of truth in the Sutra last week:
The offense of greed also causes one to
fall into the realms of the hells, animals,
and hungry ghosts. If born as a human, one
obtains two kinds of retribution: the first
is one's heart is never satisfied; the second
is, having much desire without ever getting
enough.
Avatamsaka Sutra
Ten Grounds Chapter
The next day at lunch, I saw a car pull up, a Cadillac. A sun-tanned, well- dressed man got out and I pegged him right away as a success. Probably a professional man. Then, something changed in my eyes. I thought, "Hey, wait a minute. You don't know what's in his heart. Why do you do this act of competing with others? You do it so that your own ego can survive. Don't do it! Great Compassion does not fight. Say no to your self. Leave him alone. Cultivate your own path. Return the light. Don't fight. That man is your father. He's your teacher. He's you! Vow to take him across no matter who he is. He will certainly become a Buddha sooner or later, so will you. Don't obstruct both of you with the causes and conditions of fighting and killing. This is not a joke. Cultivate the Dharma, as much as you know."
That night, the Sutra spoke principle for me again:
The Bodhisattva further reflects,
"All beings distinguish self and others
and mutually harm each other. Fighting,
conflict, anger and hatred blaze without
cease. I should cause them all to dwell
in unsurpassed, great kindness."
Avatamsaka
Disciple Kuo Chen
(Heng Sure)
bows in respect