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June 23, 1979
Shell Beach
Sonoma County
Dear Shih Fu,
At the place of no seeking
There are no worries.
Yesterday I had a good laugh. My life fell apart before my eyes. My personality melted like an ice cube under the sun. I felt very foolish and very happy. I couldn't do anything but keep on bowing and keep on asking "Who am I?" I don't know who I am, but I can see my ghost, and he's a phony. Kuo Chen, "the Fruit of Truth" is an actor. Everything I do is a put-on. It's all done for show. Somewhere way back aeons ago I got the idea that I am special, an exceptional person, a unique star. Really big and important. #1!
So everything I say and do and think, I do to fit this false image. I tell lies to keep the show going. I wear masks and pose and act in order to be #1, the Fastest Gun in Town. What a huge amount of energy goes into this comic opera that I play out. I run on through the days out here in the midst of seagulls and empty highway, seeking and sweating, fighting and frowning, worrying over this petty advantage and that little bargain. It's insane and I've done it all my life. No one forces me to be false. No one else writes my script. I'm the author, the actor, the audience, and the critic all at once.
Why not make life a good show with proper knowledge and views, kindness, giving and happiness? The world is full of pain and there's no reason to add to the quantity of suffering.
Where does my confusion come from? From greed, hatred, stupidity and a huge view of self. My worst fault, besides being false, is seeking benefit for myself. Because I feel I'm #1, a special character, I make a lot of bad karma by acting out greedy desires. I seek fame in all that I do. I don't return the light. Instead I let my energy flow out seeking little bargains. I make waves on the still waters of my originally pure mind. Now that I recognize my mistakes, I'm still paying the price. Originally there is no purity or defilement, but" the water of afflictions will splash me until the waves I've made calm down.
In the past, all I've known was how to take. I am stingy and see the world as a place built to satisfy my greed, a place to compete and vent my anger, a stage where I parade my stupidity. I've felt that because my job is to be #1, the only rule of the stingy world is that I am free to take as much as I can get and not let any of it go. The more the better. This was success, this was being smart. This was being famous. From women I've taken food, shelter, and affection. From men I've taken knowledge and "light". The ones who were better, I fought with and cheated, lied to and slandered. The men not as good, I've stepped on or ignored. I feel great shame for the harm I've done by my selfish seeking to be the best. Most of all, I'm sorry for all the giving I've failed to do. This has been my life--no wonder I've felt lonely and frightened for so long; it's exactly the karma that I've created.
Truly recognize your faults.
Don't discuss the faults of others.
Others' faults are just my own.
Being of one substance with
everyone is called Great Compassion.
Master Hua
But that's not the verse I learned. I've always recited it this way:
Quickly cover up your own faults
And point out all the faults of others.
Others' shortcomings are to my advantage.
Feeling superior to everyone is
called Great Selfishness.
Kuo Chen