Bowing Journals | Top | << Back | Next >> | End
April, 1979
Near Pt. Reyes, California
Dear Shih Fu,
Some people say, "Get a job! What a waste of talent." Others say, "Yes, but why do you give up all of the good things in life? You could be really comfortable...a good job and all." Why aren't we "successful"? When I was in graduate school there were more students than jobs. Everybody was uptight, nervous, and worried. There was intense competition to the point of cheating and nervous breakdowns. Some people were literally "worried sick."
It wasn't just that way in the teaching field, but the whole job market was glutted and good positions were hard to get. Many of my fellow students were married and had families to support. Making ends meet was not easy.
I also saw that many good paying jobs involved a lot of compromise. Personal integrity and freedom seemed to take second place to not rocking the boat and keeping in good standing. This made people even more nervous and confused. They worried they wouldn't get a good job, and then they worried about losing it if they got a job.
I looked for jobs nobody else much wanted. Partly I felt there would be one less person to worry about getting ahead of or losing out to for a job, grant, or scholarship. It felt honest and not a big thing. It eased the pinch a little for others and I liked living marginally. It gave me time to look into things--like yoga, t'ai chi, hiking and meditation--that didn't payoff but were really interesting.
When I started to teach, I saw students were under a lot of stress and not at all sure about their lives. They had questions "who am I, where am I going, there's a lot of injustice and poverty in the world, what am I doing that matters?" The material I was supposed to teach didn't deal with their real needs. It was irrelevant. They studied to get a grade and I taught to get a paycheck. How could something that made my colleagues so worried and didn't help my students be worth pursuing as a career just to pull in $15-20,000 a year?
Fellow students had hundreds of rejection! letters from all over the country pinned to their office doors. During the doctoral exams the fellow in the test room next to me froze in panic. He just stared at the wall for eight hours. It was his last chance to pass or be kicked out and lose his fellowship to Europe. He just couldn't take the pressure. When I shared my feelings with a senior faculty professor, he matter-of-factly said, "That's why I chose this field...you can avoid these matters." Things never felt right after that.
Whenever I went after a good job or a name and fame position, I felt burdened and not honest. In my mind I knew I was climbing, cheating, and turning my back on the path with heart. At that time, government and business were rife with corruption and scandal. Almost any of the good jobs implicated you in this bad energy and added more suffering to the world. The way of the world was : "your loss is my gain; every man for himself." I couldn't participate knowing this. I couldn't put i1l down either. Why? Because I wanted to be #1 at everything. The desire to be the best, to be #l kept me from being real and true to my heart and tied me in knots for a long time.
Even the marginal jobs entailed "eating crow" (as a teacher once called backing down on your moral principles to "make it " in the world). I ended up working the night shift at the hospital's psychiatric unit because I couldn't go along with electric shock treatments, drug "lobotomies", pretending not to know what I was doing. "Eating crow" is everyone loss. No man is an island.
I didn't have the guts or the vision to do more. I straddled the fence between trying to "make it" and doing "That was right. Not until I come to Gold Mt. Monastery did I get off the fence and take a stand. The Bodhisattva Path is home.
He (Bodhisattva) can take himself across
and cause others to cross over. He can
liberate himself and cause others to gain
liberation; subdue himself and cause others
to be subdued; gain still tranquility for
himself and cause others to obtain still
tranquility. He can gain peace and se-
curity for himself and cause others to
gain peace and security. He can leave
defilement and cause others to leave de-
filement. He can purify himself and
cause others to be purified. He can enter
Nirvana and cause others to enter Nirvana,
He is happy and he makes others happy.
Disciples of the Buddha, the Bohi-
sattva has this thought: "I should follow
all Tathagatas and leave all practices of
the mundane world. I should perfect all
the Buddha's Dharmas, dwell in the supreme
place of even equality, with a level mind
contemplate all beings. I should clearly
penetrate through all states and cleave
behind all mistakes; cut off all discrimi-
nations and forsake all attachments. I
should use clever skill to make my escape
with my mind constantly dwelling in peace,
in supreme, inexpressible non-relying,
unmoving, measureless, boundless, inex-
haustible, formless, deep, profound wisdom.
Disciples of the Buddha, this is the
Bodhisattvas Mahasattva's second practice,
that of benefiting.
Avatamsaka Sutra
I thought, "We have a job." It's "taking no delight in worldly matters."