Bowing Journals | Top | << Back | Next >> | End
Early Spring, 1979
Muir Beach
Dear Shih Fu,
Back on Devil's Slide I made a vow to never again seek private relationships or anything that excludes or rejects others. That night I had a dream about the Master dying and I saw a powerful dragon. When Shih Fu visited us back in Pacifica he asked, "Any dreams?" I related the dream and the Master said, "Oh, so you want me to die, huh?"
"No, Shih Fu, that's not it at all!" I protested
"I'll die for you," said Shih Fu.
"I have to die myself," I replied.
"Then I'll live for you."
"Well, then, what use am I as a teacher?"
Then the Master recited a verse:
Eat your own food to get full; Resolve your own birth and death.
Later, I thought to myself, "Is it really the case that I wanted Shih Fu to die?" I didn't really feel settled about it at all. But I let it go, or so I thought. (The "dying" has to do with my "mind for desire" dying. This is the dying the Master was referring to in saying he hoped I would die soon, that is, "hurry up and kill off your view of self; your mind of selfish desire.")
When the Master visited the next time we were on Mt. Tamalpais. A lot had changed inside. I saw my faults and had habits like never before. I felt after two years of bowing I was only just beginning to face up to my deepest faults and big view of self. I was humbled and ashamed. Moreover, it was due to the Master's timely instructions and help that I was able to see this-not my own insight. Specifically, Shih Fu advised me to close my mouth. And in closing my mouth my eyes opened a little.
Right after the Pacifica visit as the Master was preparing to leave and I was all set to "stand on my own," two hostile men came up. I felt confident I could turn their attitude. I started rapping and verbally sparring with them. Shih Fu leaned out the car window and yelled. "No need to talk. Don't talk so much!" I had felt my energy draining in talking with the men but didn't know why. The two "men" turned white as sheets at the Master's words and ran down the road. They were not people at all. Shih Fu smiled and said, "See, I chased the demons away from you. Ha, ha. See you later." It was a lesson I'll never forget.
Now, on Mt. Tamalpais, I saw the foolishness of my assertion, "I can stand on my own." (To really stand on my own I need to truly be able to recognize myself and have no self to stand on..) During that visit the Master looked me right in the eyes and said with a smile, "So now you can stand on your own, huh? The next day while bowing I understood the dying dream. I did, in fact, with Shih Fu would "die." Unconsciously my ego wanted to live and so I dreamed of Shih Fu dying. When I firs saw the Diamond Sutra, I ran away and avoided it. Why? Because I knew it was about the truth of no-self. When I first met Shih Fu I couldn't and wouldn't bow. I was too proud. The "emperor" doesn't bow to anyone. Now after two years of bowing and seeing the emptiness of me big self, I still resist "dying" and instead dream of my teacher dying. "If your teacher dies, no one will be around to subdue you. No one will call your trip and stay on your case," was the unconscious false thought behind it. Basically, I didn't want to face this. I didn't want to admit that I could have such as shameful thought about my teacher. I wanted to hide my faults and cover over the bad parts. But I've been that way, sneaky and not straight, and it only brings suffering to everyone. I know I have big faults, but I am not going to add to them by being a phony ever again.
Too late to apologize to the Master. He had already left. By not being right out front, I miss opportunities. I'm always behind myself, which is why I need a "good and Wise Advisor" who is always ahead of me.
This week Shih Fu stopped again.
Shih Fu: "Anything to say?"
Heng Ch'au: "There's been lots of changes. Shih Fu, since your last visit I know now my dream of the Master dying was my ego not wanting to die."
Shih Fu: "Sure, then no one would be able to control you."
Heng Ch'au: "I'm ashamed, Shih Fu, I'll change."
We then sat down to talk. The Master sat on the car bumper. It had just been raining prior to Shih Fu's arrival. Now it was sunny, but the ground was mud. My hat was lying on the ground next to the Master's feet. Shih Fu casually put his foot out, stepped on my hat, and began grinding it into the mud and wiping the dirt off his shoes all over it. I wanted to say, "Hey, Shih Fu, don't! That's my hat!"
But then the thought came into my mind. "That should be my head the Master is stepping on. I deserve it." I figured the Master thought it was just an old hat on the side of the road. Then the Master picked up my hat, carefully brushed off the mud and dirt, folded it neatly and handed it to me. "Hey!" I thought, "The Master knew all along that was my hat. What's up?"
After Shih Fu left, I understood the wordless teaching with the hat. When I first came to Gold Mountain I felt I was pretty good. I felt at home, except for the bowing, especially the practice of bowing. Then on night the Master said in the Sutra commentary, "It's just like someone always wanting to be number one. They're always looking for a high hat to wear…wanting everyone to give them a high hat so people will say, "He's really great. He's number one.' Isn't that how it is?" The words went right to my heart. That was exactly my attitude and the Master saw it, read my very thought. I bowed to the Master that night. But my high hat didn't fall off with one bow.
By rubbing my hat in the mud, I felt the Master was saying, "So now you recognize a little. All if is forgiven if you can change for the good. Here, put your hat on, but remember it's not a crown. Don't run out and be emperor again.
Push over Mt. Sumeru The mind ground is flat. Jealousy, arrogance Ultimately are invisible. Cultivation! How could there be Anything more esoteric or wonderful? Put down the three minds and four marks And Buddhahood accomplishes itself! -- Master Hua
A dirty hat and a lesson in the level equality of all things. No one is number one. The nature is flat like the ground. Be humble. Keep your mind contrite and compassionate. Put it all down, and Buddhahood takes care of itself. The verse says:
Offenses arise from the mind, yet the mind is used to repent. When the mind is forgotten, offenses are no more. When both mind and offenses are eradicated, both are empty. This is called true repentance and reform.
Shih Fu, I am deeply ashamed of my arrogance and for the trouble I've caused. I'll change. I don't even want to "go back to the palace" and be emperor again. My home is the eternally dwelling Buddhas, Dharma, and Sangha of the ten directions. I'm going to turn my back on the dust and unite with enlightenment. I'll try my best, bowing in repentance and reform.
Peace in the Way,
Disciple Kuo T'ing
(Heng Ch'au)
bows in respect