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March 1979
Mt. Tamalpais, California

Dear Shih Fu,

I've had a big change of heart. In the last few weeks I've begun to see my deepest false thoughts and oldest flaws. I clearly saw the "Ego Sutra" of "me and mine" that I have been reciting inside day after day, life after life. I call it the "Emperor's Sutra." All month, bits and pieces of this truth have been coming to me. When I stopped talking and began reading nothing but the , the light increased. The opened u and came alive, and so did my old sickness--my mind for being #1.

Then, one night, right at the last bow of the day, everything stood still and in that space of stopping, I saw myself like never before. I saw the heart of my false mind, unfiltered and clear through. It wasn't pretty.

I saw how I am always looking to be #1; how I'm always looking for others' faults and shortcomings so that I can fee I'm #1--always competing and contending, jealous and obstructive. Thought after thought, like beads of a necklace, are strung together by "how great I am." "I alone am #1." It was like the whole world was silent and the only sound was the sound of my little mad mind reciting the "Emperor's Sutra." It was as loud as thunder.

There it was, just hanging in empty space. It was just a small ball of bad noise, like a small child wiling in the void.

I wanted to cry for shame. It was so ugly and unkind. How small and selfish, my little "song for myself" that was running my life! I sat down to meditate in an empty lot next to a big Howard Johnson's Motor Lodge. I thought, "Okay, so now you know. Now you see what a crummy person you are.

Now you know your Sutra. What are you going to do about it?" I knew I could change. My heart was truly sick of being so arrogant and self- inflated. How? I didn't have to think about it. I knew. Just single- mindedly concentrate with other thought until all the false thoughts are crossed over to wholesome thoughts. Hold precepts purely and return the light. Walk the Way of nowhere dwelling and don't neglect it for a instant.

Don't allow yourself to follow after one thought for self. Don't' schlep through the garbage of name and fame and five desires any more. "Be one of the Way with no mind" by bowing with a single heart. Let it all go.

With no false thinking, everything's okay. With a single mind there are no worries. Pure and happy, things are naturally done as they come and left behind as they go. With no time to false think, how can fault others?

Clean up my own junk, mind my own business.

I was happy and ashamed, humbled and new. It's really hard. I have so many false thoughts and bad habits! But it feels so right and basic to put down all the false coverings and just be real, just be an sincere person.

That night we read form the about how the Bodhisattva "in one thought is able to know all thoughts." Why? Because everything is made form the discriminating mind. From the one thought of self, everything else is born. Knowing your own true mind is to know the Dharma Realm. But I only just now saw all my false thoughts. I knew them. I know who I wasn't. But I didn't know who I was. I felt empty, like a baby, but incomplete.

A few days later, the Master stopped with Dharma Mater Heng Lai and some lay people on their way to the City of Ten thousand Buddhas. It was the day before Kun Yin's Birthday. I told the Master, "Shih Fu, I've been really seeing my false thoughts and flaws these last few weeks. I'm really ashamed."

Shih Fu: "So you've had a big change of heart, eh?" The Master turned to the lay people. "This is Kuo Wu's sister, do you recognize her? these two!
Do you recognize him?
Do you recognize me? Do you recognize yourself?"

I was speechless.

Shih Fu: "So you've had a lot of false thoughts?"
Me: "Lot's of them. So many..."
Shih Fu: "That's for sure. You've been emperor for so many kalpas since beginningless time, it's for certain you would have false thoughts.

Well, it you recognize your faults, then you can change them." The Master's tone was encouraging and positive. Then he spoke this verse: 

     
        The living beings of my self-nature are boundless;
        I vow to take them across.
        The afflictions of my self-nature are limitless;
        I vow to cut them all off.
        The Dharma-doors my self-nature are numberless;
        I vow to learn them all.
        The Buddha-Way of my self-nature is unsurpassed;
        I vow to accomplish it,
and asked, "Do you understand?"

Me: "Yes, Shih Fu." The words went right to my heart and hit the empty spot. Tears of understanding welled up in my eyes.

The next morning, while bowing, the Master's words came back to me and began to grow in my heart. It was as if my teacher was saying, "Do you recognize that all is one? We all share the original True Suchness Nature.

Within it, there is not a single dharma that can be obtained, much less is there s self or emperor. Do you see now? There is no you, there is no me. No self, no others. Do you recognize the self-nature?"

My body shook, and I got an run of shivers up and down my spine. In a small way, I was beginning to understand. Finally, these verses from the Avatamsaka Sutra that I'd been puzzling over for weeks untangled. 

	    The Tathagata's Dharma body,
              all karma which is created, and
            Everything in the world has
              this appearance:
            We say that the mark of all dharmas
              has no mark,
            To know appearances like this is
              to know dharmas.
          
            All disciples of the Buddha
              in this way know:      
            The nature of all dharmas is
              always empty and still.
            There is not a single dharma
              which can be created,
            And just like all Buddhas,
              they enlighten to no self.
            
            They understand and know that
              everything in the world
            Is identical in appearance with
              the nature of True Suchness...
            
            He vows that all beings skillfully
              enter the level equality of all dharmas
            And understands that the Dharma Realm
              and the self-nature are not two.
            -- Avatamsaka

But, my ego is strong, Shih Fu, and my false thoughts are like blizzard.

How to change and really expand the measure of my heart naturally to where the "self-nature and Dharma Realm are non-dual"? Compassion. Compassion crosses over arrogance. Being one with everyone transforms the mind of #1. Probably for the first time since leaving home, I got a clue to my name, Hen Ch'au. It doesn't mean, "always the Emperor." It means "always bowing away the Emperor." Be humble and compassionate. Bow your "self" away. Bow with a single heart to all beings. Be a good person with a humble heart and don't give anyone afflictions.

Peace in the Way,
Disciple Kuo T'ing
(Heng Ch'au)
bows in respect

P.S. Shih Fu, the $120 is from a man who just came up and said, "I'd like to help support your work." He emptied his pockets, and then very sincerely said, "and thank you" and left.