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March 1979
Mt. Tamalpais, California
Dear Shih Fu,
I've had a big change of heart. In the last few weeks I've begun
to see
my deepest false thoughts and oldest flaws. I clearly saw the "Ego Sutra"
of
"me and mine" that I have been reciting inside day after day, life after
life. I call it the "Emperor's Sutra." All month, bits and pieces of this
truth have been coming to me. When I stopped talking and began reading
nothing but the Then, one night, right at the last bow of the day, everything stood
still and in that space of stopping, I saw myself like never before. I
saw
the heart of my false mind, unfiltered and clear through. It wasn't pretty.
I saw how I am always looking to be #1; how I'm always looking for others'
faults and shortcomings so that I can fee I'm #1--always competing and
contending, jealous and obstructive. Thought after thought, like beads
of a
necklace, are strung together by "how great I am." "I alone am #1." It
was
like the whole world was silent and the only sound was the sound of my
little mad mind reciting the "Emperor's Sutra." It was as loud as thunder.
There it was, just hanging in empty space. It was just a small ball of
bad
noise, like a small child wiling in the void.
I wanted to cry for shame. It was so ugly and unkind. How small and
selfish, my little "song for myself" that was running my life! I sat down
to meditate in an empty lot next to a big Howard Johnson's Motor Lodge.
I
thought, "Okay, so now you know. Now you see what a crummy person you are.
Now you know your Sutra. What are you going to do about it?" Don't allow yourself to follow after one thought for self. Don't' schlep
through the garbage of name and fame and five desires any more. "Be one
of
the Way with no mind" by bowing with a single heart. Let it all go.
With no false thinking, everything's okay. With a single mind there
are
no worries. Pure and happy, things are naturally done as they come and
left
behind as they go. With no time to false think, how can fault others?
Clean up my own junk, mind my own business.
I was happy and ashamed, humbled and new. It's really hard. I have
so
many false thoughts and bad habits! But it feels so right and basic to
put
down all the false coverings and just be real, just be an sincere person.
That night we read form the A few days later, the Master stopped with Dharma Mater Heng Lai and
some
lay people on their way to the City of Ten thousand Buddhas. It was the
day
before Kun Yin's Birthday. I told the Master, "Shih Fu, I've been really
seeing my false thoughts and flaws these last few weeks. I'm really
ashamed."
Shih Fu: "So you've had a big change of heart, eh?" The Master turned
to the lay people. "This is Kuo Wu's sister, do you recognize her? these
two!
I was speechless.
Shih Fu: "So you've had a lot of false thoughts?"
Well, it you recognize your faults, then you can change them." The Master's
tone was encouraging and positive. Then he spoke this verse:
Me: "Yes, Shih Fu." The words went right to my heart and hit the empty
spot. Tears of understanding welled up in my eyes.
The next morning, while bowing, the Master's words came back to me and
began to grow in my heart. It was as if my teacher was saying, "Do you
recognize that all is one? We all share the original True Suchness Nature.
Within it, there is not a single dharma that can be obtained, much less
is
there s self or emperor. Do you see now? There is no you, there is no
me.
No self, no others. Do you recognize the self-nature?"
My body shook, and I got an run of shivers up and down my spine. In
a
small way, I was beginning to understand. Finally, these verses from the
Avatamsaka Sutra that I'd been puzzling over for weeks untangled.
But, my ego is strong, Shih Fu, and my false thoughts are like blizzard.
How to change and really expand the measure of my heart naturally to where
the "self-nature and Dharma Realm are non-dual"? Compassion. Compassion
crosses over arrogance. Being one with everyone transforms the mind of
#1.
Probably for the first time since leaving home, I got a clue to my
name, Hen
Ch'au. It doesn't mean, "always the Emperor." It means "always bowing
away
the Emperor." Be humble and compassionate. Bow your "self" away. Bow
with
a single heart to all beings. Be a good person with a humble heart and
don't give anyone afflictions.
Peace in the Way,
P.S. Shih Fu, the $120 is from a man who just came up and said, "I'd like
to help support your work." He emptied his pockets, and then very sincerely
said, "and thank you" and left.
Do you recognize him?
Do you recognize me? Do you recognize yourself?"
Me: "Lot's of them. So many..."
Shih Fu: "That's for sure. You've been emperor for so many kalpas
since beginningless time, it's for certain you would have false thoughts.
The living beings of my self-nature are boundless;
I vow to take them across.
The afflictions of my self-nature are limitless;
I vow to cut them all off.
The Dharma-doors my self-nature are numberless;
I vow to learn them all.
The Buddha-Way of my self-nature is unsurpassed;
I vow to accomplish it,
and asked, "Do you understand?"
The Tathagata's Dharma body,
all karma which is created, and
Everything in the world has
this appearance:
We say that the mark of all dharmas
has no mark,
To know appearances like this is
to know dharmas.
All disciples of the Buddha
in this way know:
The nature of all dharmas is
always empty and still.
There is not a single dharma
which can be created,
And just like all Buddhas,
they enlighten to no self.
They understand and know that
everything in the world
Is identical in appearance with
the nature of True Suchness...
He vows that all beings skillfully
enter the level equality of all dharmas
And understands that the Dharma Realm
and the self-nature are not two.
-- Avatamsaka
Disciple Kuo T'ing
(Heng Ch'au)
bows in respect