Bowing Journals | Top | << Back | Next >> | End
"Are you the guys who are trying to get rid of greed, anger, jealousy, arrogance, and all those other bad things, and find the truth?" His tone was teasing and almost mocking, like he didn't believe a word of what we said we were trying to do. I felt defensive and couldn't answer. He pressed closer until he was just inches away from my face. This guy was making me nervous.
"Well, ah, yes, we are..." I finally squeaked out.
"Well, it occurred to me that any truth you find would have to be a simple one," he said. He was looking right through me without even blinking, waiting for an answer. I felt that anything I could say would be stupid and phony, a pretense at being wise and at ease. The fact was I was squirming and feeling like a fool.
"Don't you think?" he pressed, holding a stare that cut through all my defenses and false coverings. Then he smiled and said, "Well, good luck!" and jogged away.
After he left I realized why he made me so nervous. I was still hiding behind my words and thoughts. I was using the "path of words and language" to hold on to a view of self. With my tongue and pen and false thoughts I was creating an artificial reality to avoid facing the simple truth: "the truth of no-self."
At the most intense points of the pilgrimage, especially in Big Sur, the emptiness of all my words and ideas stared me in the face just like the jogger did. I was ready to put down clocks, calendar, and tongue and just bow and sit until:
The path of words and language is cut off.
The place of the mind's workings is extinguished.
Right in thought, one is apart from thought.
One thinks, and yet has no thoughts.
But I hadn't been able to put it down. The good knowing jogger reminded me that "the truth" is very simple: there is no self. If I really understood the fundamental teaching of the Buddha, then "even one word would be too many." I still haven't seen through the emptiness of self. If I had really understood this principle, then how could I feel nervous in front of the jogger? "Who" was squirming and feeling cornered?
People ask what is the biggest obstacle or hassle we've met on the pilgrimage. My own mind is the biggest obstacle. I am my worst enemy. My mind wants to keep going in its mad circles and make something out of nothing. Where there is no problem I make problems; where there's no business, I make business. Selfishness is the root of all evil.
After the jogger left, I felt resolved. "He's right!" I thought. "Don't pretend and hide behind anything, not even one word or a single thought for self. Go for the real and true. Don't be so smart."
When one attends to the here and now,
The false returns to the true.
With one thought unproduced,
The entire substance manifests.
What time is it? What day, month, year? How many miles this way or that way? When will we arrive? What will we do when we get there? What did we do before? What will we do tomorrow?
These are all false thoughts. "Who" needs to know? It's time to be a big dummy, and to bow with a single heart, to shout my mouth and open my mind.
Peace in the Way,
Disciple Kuo T'ing
(Heng Ch'au)
bows in respect