Bowing Journals | Top | << Back | Next >> | End
Dear Shih Fu,
Yesterday morning, while waiting for our clothes to dry in a laundromat, I realized something very clearly: all my problems and all the problems in the world come from false thinking. In less than a second, this simple truth lit up and cut through aeons of confusion. I could never put it into words, but right after seeing this, I had the thought, "Almost two years of bowing, Heng Ch'au, and you still are false thinking! What are you false thinking about? About me. About "the seld and all that pretains to self." Then, I went on with the self-talk and asked, "But why is a thought of self false? I mean, here you are right in the laundromat. If that's not a self, that what's true? Isn't this me?"
Who is me?
I am who?
You ask me,
I alse, "who?"
This verse keeps answering my question. There is no me. That's why self is a false thought. The self does no exist. So the Avatamsaka Surta says:
Discriminate and contemplate within yourself in this way:
"Who am I inside?" If you can understand it in this way, then you will realize that the self does not exist. This body is falsely set up. It's dwelling place has no fixed position. When one truly undestands this body, then within there is nothing at all to attach to.
Contemplate the body well And see it all clearly. Be aware that it's dharmas are Empty and false. Do not use mental effort To discriminate them. Whi is it that gives rise to Your life? Who is it that takes it way? It's just like a twisting ring Of fire - No one knows its beginning or end. -- Avatamsaka Sutra "Bodhisattva Enquires" Chapter
This is such right-on, straight talk! It's so simple and yet I still haven't even understood the very simplest truths. I get so caught up with being smart and putting on clever words and phony faces that I can't even see the obvious. Last week a jogger showed up to help me wake up from this dream.
We were standing outside the car in the early a.m., getting dressed for bowing after exercising. Like a wind, this jogger suddenly ran up. He was strong and muscular, cleam and straightforward, maybe 45 years old. There was something unusual about him. He came rught up without a pause, almost aggressive. Around his eyes an head we both could see an energy - like dancing flames. It was hard to look at him, because his glance was so penetrating, and hard not to look because he commanded a certain respect. He wasn't the lease polite or respectful.
He asked Heng Sure if he talked at all and Heng Sure indicated to talk with me. "Oh, so you talk, huh?" he challenged and came right up to me.