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February 21, 1979
San Francisco!
Dear Shih Fu,
When you reach the place of
seeking nothing
There are no worries.
Yesterday Heng Ch'au amd o reched the top of the hill - looking south we say Devil's Slide and the town of Pacifica, looking north, inconceivably, we day the orange towers of the Golden Gate Bridge, Mt. Tamalpais, the Mt. Surto T.V. spire - San Francisco! It seems only yesterday we were in Santa Monica contemplating Highway One and the mind-boggling journey ahead. Now in less time than a finger-snap we have bowed into the Bay Area and the left Highway One for the trek through the City. Like is surely like a dream. As the Sutra says:
The past, present, and future are nothing but talk.
Yesterday could have been day one of the pilgramage for this disciple. I learned a lesson in my heart that took twenty-one months of study and patient practice to fully grasp. Have I really got it now? I hope not, because each time I attach to a state, I'm ripe for another fall. What is the lesson? It's called "don't seek".
The Master has given these instructions dozens of times in a variety of expedient ways: "Don't seek anything. Don't seek Buddhahoos, don't seek great wisdom, don't seek enlightenment. Seeking is putting a head on top of your head. It's nothing but greed. Simply cultivate with a single mind . That's enough. Cultivate without a thought of self-benefit. Cultivate just the way you eat, dress, and sleep. It's a necessity, that's all. And don't have that second though. Be single-minded.
The Avatamsaka Sutra specifically instructs the Bodhisattva not to seek.
The Bodhisattva only wants to uphold the pure precepts. He does not seek great power,high class and status, abundant wealth, beauty and style, not the throne of a king. His thoughts are attached to none of these. -- "Ten Practices Chapter"
Again:
The Bodhisattva is a great master at giving. He can give away anything at all and his mind remains level and equal, without regret. He does not expect a reward, he does not seek reputation as a benefactor, nor is he greedy for benefit or gain. -- "Ten Practices Chapter"
As clear as the message is, somehow it has not connected with deepest heart. I thought I was in control of my greed. In fact, I am conrolled by it.
We talked with Gold Mountain on the phone one day last week. Heng Ch'au gave our new route to the office and I translated a story that happened to us that morning. It was thrill to be so close to home. But back on the street bowing, I sudenly felt upset and worried. Why? I though, "Wow, I've been at this for nearly two years and what have I got to show in the way of any real accomplishment? Have I changed in any way?"
In short, I was seeking inside of the Dharma. But because the object of my search ws enlightened wisdom and compassion, I allowed the thoughts to dwell, feeling that they were a "purified desire." The longer I reflected on myself, the deeper the affliction grew.
Then I got my lesson. Three young boys waled by me on Monterey Road as we bowed up the hill in the rain. The boys were full of light and smiles as they passed. But as the first sight of my face all three lost their light immediately. Their smiles turned to sand and worried looks. I saw my forced effort, my seeking, mirrored in their eyes. I turned them off completely. What their faces silently said was "Hey, this guy is nothing special. He may be a monk, but he's as unhappy as anybody. He's fot something that he's looking for and he has not found it. What a disappointment! What is he? A Buddhist? Phooey!"
Shame on me. By seeking for results from my cultivation I hurt those three boys and maybe turned them from the Dharma.
Seeking nothing There are no worries.
Doing holy work to get something out it it defiles the purest of Dharmas/ If you seek enlightenment because it's the best of all good deals, it isn't going to happen. Wanting results prevents them. I realized this huge obstacle that I held on top of my head was just the ego, the self, seeking benefit. I gave it away on the spot and suddenly felt a great, black cloud lift off my shoulders. I'm not doing this work for myself, I'm going to relax and just take it as it comes. It's said,
When the effort is complete, accomplishment happens naturally, all by itself. Not for himself does he seek benefit, He only want peace and happiness for all beings. Not for an instant does he give rise to frivolous debate. He only contemplates all dharmas as empty and without a self. -- Avatamsaka Sutra "Ten Transferences Chapter"
Instead of false thinking about self-benefit, how much better it is to take the energy and use it in faith on the method of practice. What I simple truth and how long it's taken me to see it.