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Monday, November 13, 1978
Scott Creek, California
Dear Shih Fu,
Today the master and a bus-full of bright-eyed Dharma friends came from the City of Ten Thousand Buddhas to give the bowing monks “a little gasoline” as the Master put it. How did we run out of fuel? I ran out of fuel by looking at women. Then I got sick. When the Master stepped down from the yellow dragon bus he started whisking away our obstacles and afflictions. “I heard from Kuo Chou you were sick. I asked him if you had died. He said no. SO because you haven’t died yet, I have come to see you. If you had dies, I wouldn’t have come. Do you understand?” The Master’s strange words went straight to my heart. Finally, I understood. This is the whole story.
I should have left home the first time I came to Gold Mountain Monastery almost three hears ago. I had returned to my true home and knew this was where I belonged. But I couldn’t put down my selfish desire. So I turned my back on enlightenment and reunited with the dust. As a layman the purity and happiness I experienced at Gold Mountain was soon exhausted every time I went back home. Soon after I got all afflicted and hung-up, trying to act like a cultivator at home. I was trying to cultivate the Way and romance at the same time. It didn’t work. At the peak of this self-inflicted crisis, with my girlfriend threatening to leave, I called Shih Fu expecting sympathy. That Master wasted no words or phony emotion. “So!? So she leaves. Good. No one is dying are they? Don’t have any false thoughts or attachments.” The Master warned me to be careful and act according to principle. I did not listen. I just couldn’t cut off my desire and so things got worse and my “sickness” drained my spiritual strength.
When I left home, the Master remarked, “I believe you can leave home and cultivate the Way because you have put down your girlfriend. Be vigorous and advance!” The Shih Fu addressed all the monks present informally and kindly, “You can’t be sloppy or casual, especially now in America. This is the only way Buddhism will be established in the West. Most important, don’t attach to women… that is the most important example for you to show America. You can’t be too close to women or too far away or you’re wrong. You are all my precious jewels. I won’t sell any one of you. Don’t waste your light-treasure!” Did I understand? No.
In the beginning of the bowing pilgrimage my false thoughts about women brought a hornet’s nest of troubles. Bad dreams and demons, harsh weather and hassles all came because of this mau bing (sickness) of mine I believe. For example, in Santa Barbara, while false thinking about an old girl friend, a lemon flew off of a passing garbage truck and hit me in the jaw, sending me to my knees. I said to myself, “Just a coincidence. If it really hit me because of my mind for women, then if I keep on thinking about them it should happen again." So I went on went on wondering if my old girlfriend had found another man and ZAP! Another lemon hit me square in the back, knocking me down again! Later the Master said, "Those sour lemons were from your sour thoughts about your girlfriend. Now that you know that your false-thinking isn't okay, don't do it any more." Did I understand? No.
In Malaysia I couldn't subdue my eyes or thoughts and got turned upside down. But this time my fuel reserves of merit and virtue were used up. I got so sick as a result of scattering all my energy by false thinking about women I nearly died. Shih Fu saved my life and brought me back from King Yama. While I was bedridden in Malacca, I saw clearly as never before, in my dreams and waking thoughts, that sexual desire is the root of birth and death. The Master would come to my bedside, rub my head and recite mantras, at the critical times, breaking the fever and purging toxins. All the while he kept smiling and asking, "Good, good. Did you die yet? Are you going to die?" In Singapore and Hong Kong the cause and effect of my false thinking and getting sick was uncanny and undeniable. Less than an hour after my mind would move I would become sick. The Master kept saying, "Sick again? Good. I hope you die soon." Did I understand? I thought so. But habits are stubborn and my ignorance deep. It's hard to "die," even when you try your best. Never again I vowed, never again would I run out to beautiful forms.
When we returned to the U.S., Hen Sure and I began bowing near Santa Cruz. We went into town to contact the police and inform them of our journey. Surprise! The cop was a woman. I got turned and stared smiling and rapping with her in the course of conducting our official business.
That night I took ill again. Either my mind for women was going to die or I was. It now was clear to me that all desire was at root just sexual desire. Running outside one's own nature and seeking anything is death--the slow death of outflowing. Literally, the blessings and wisdom of the original nature dribble away until all that is left of one's bright Dharma jewel is dog shit. It is just like it says in the Avatamsaka:
Moreover, living beings are bound
in a net of love.
They are covered over with ignorance
and attached to their existence.
They follow it and cannot give it up.
They enter into a cage of suffering
and do the deeds of demons.
Their blessings and wisdom are ex-
hausted and they forever harbor doubts.
They do not seek the place of peace
and tranquility.
They do not know the path of escape,
and without rest they turn
On the wheel of birth and death.
They constantly bob and sink
in the suffering mud.
I've had a lot of time while slowly recovering in the back of the Plymouth to reflect on my "sickness" and how to get well. What I took for happiness in the world is really suffering; and what I once thought to be suffering (cultivating) is really happiness. Things aren't always what they seem. So it says,
I do not seek the unsurpassed Path for
myself, nor do I cultivate Bodhi Practices
in order to seek the states of the five
desires or the many kinds of bliss in the
three realms of existence. Why?
Of all the happiness in the world,
there is none which is not suffering...
Avatamsaka Sutra
Ten Transferences Chapter
That is straight talk! In my heart, in ways no words could express, I now know this is so. This is what the Master meant when he asked when I was going to "die". His words were full of compassion and wisdom. It is the false mind that runs outside after desire that must die to cure the sickness of birth and death. The Master's words were the finest of medicines. "When your mind for women dies, then you can be free. If you can't kill it then you'll always be locked up in a cage. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Shih Fu," I answered, "I tried to, but I didn't quite pull it off."
"I'm a lousy teacher. I can't teach and transform my disciples. All I can do is talk unlucky talk and say I wish they would die," said the Master with a kind smile.
I write to tell the whole story so no one will think the Master's words
were inauspicious. I am a lousy disciple. Even after the Master saved
my
life, I can't manage to "die". So, Shih Fu and all our Dharma friends
braved the cold and rain to bring a little "gas" to the bowing monks. "Try
your best, " grinned the master as everyone climbed back abroad the bus.
A
storm that had been gathering suddenly broke up and the sun shone down on
all
of us. I was so grateful I wanted to cry. Truly we are Like Bodhidhrama liberated the bird in the cage, the Master has shown
me
a way escape from the cage. But mistaking what's before my eyes I have
flown back in mistaking the cage for a palace. No more. The beginning
of
returning to health is to know that you're sick. To be reborn in the Way
one
must die to the world.
Peace in the Way,
Disciple Kuo T'ing
(Heng Ch'au)
bows in respect